Last month, I was at a wedding and the maid of honor said something profound in her wedding toast. She looked at the bride (her best friend) and as tears welled up in her eyes, she said:

I believe you can judge someone’s character by how they make you feel. And I always feel like my best self when I’m with you.

That idea has been echoing in my mind for the last month. There are so many ways to judge a person in your life: You can look at how fun, kind, generous, interesting, or supportive they are. And those are all valuable qualities.

But the question, “How do I feel when we’re together?” is so simple and fundamental that I think it deserves a special status.

I propose we call it the “Golden Question.”

Let’s look at how to apply the Golden Question in your own life, starting with a quick refresher on its famous cousin: the Golden Rule.

Remember the Golden Rule?

The Golden Rule is one of the most fundamental rules of human coexistence:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

It’s actually kind of mind-blowing how universal and timeless the Golden Rule really is:

The idea dates at least to the early Confucian times (551–479 BCE), according to Rushworth Kidder, who identifies that this concept appears prominently in Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism, and “the rest of the world’s major religions.”

143 leaders of the world’s major faiths endorsed the Golden Rule as part of the 1993 “Declaration Toward a Global Ethic”. According to Greg M. Epstein, it is “a concept that essentially no religion misses entirely”, but belief in God is not necessary to endorse it.

Simon Blackburn also states that the Golden Rule can be “found in some form in almost every ethical tradition”.

The Golden Rule is a transcendent concept because of how simple, powerful, universal, and timeless it is. And I think our Golden Question checks all the same boxes.

Meet the Golden Question

The Golden Question is a simple litmus test to judge how you treat others:

“How do you make someone feel when you’re together?”

From what I’ve observed, there are two levels on which you make someone feel good or bad when you’re together:

1. Experience Level: What was their emotional state during your time together? Did they feel happy, positive, relaxed, etc.? Basically, did they have a good time with you?

2. Soul Level: How did you make them feel about themselves during your time together? Did you improve their self esteem, life outlook, confidence, etc.? Basically, did you make them feel good about themselves?

In my experience, while they both matter, the Soul Level is far more important than the Experience Level.

When someone leaves your presence not just having had a good time, but feeling better about who they are as a human, you’ve moved them in a deep and meaningful way.

There’s a quote from Maya Angelou that captures this concept beautifully:

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

The Golden Question Is a Spectrum

When you examine the world using the Golden Question, I find that people tend to fall into three main categories:

• Neutral (most of the population, most of the time): People who make you feel mostly neutral (neither strongly positive or negative) at the Soul Level when you’re with them.

• Givers(~10% of the population, some of the time): People who make you feel amazing at the Soul Level when you’re with them.

• Takers(~10% of the population, some of the time): People who make you feel negative at the Soul Level when you’re with them.

Now, here’s the important thing to keep in mind:

The Golden Question isn’t categorizing people as simply “good” or “evil.” It’s more of a spectrum than distinct buckets. We all move between these categories over time depending on the relationship and situation. For example, who I am with my best friend (a Giver, I hope) falls into a different category than who I am with my boss (Neutral).

Most of the time, we fall into the “Neutral” category, which is appropriate given most of our relationships are casual or professional. The deep, soul-level connection of a Giver or Taker wouldn’t make sense in most contexts.

But for our intimate relationships with close friends and family, it’s illuminating to see exactly what Givers and Takers look like.

What Do Givers Look Like?

Let’s paint a picture of what Givers look like. I bet this will remind you of someone in your life, and I bet you feel drawn to that person.

Here are some things a Giver might do when you’re together:

• Ask how you’re doing and listen with genuine interest (and without interrupting).

• Build up your self confidence with positive compliments.

• Keep the conversation spotlight focused on you.

• Ask thoughtful questions about you.

• Remember important details about your life and what matters to you.

• Highlight your big life moments in a way that casts you as the hero.

• Dig deeper on your life from a place of genuine caring and interest.

• Refrain from injecting their own uninformed or hard-line opinions and judgments.

• Offer genuine and insightful advice based on their deep understanding of you and your situation.

• Share positive compliments other people have said about you.

• Share genuine, heart-felt praise with you.

Here are some things a Giver might say when you’re together:

• “So how’s it feel to finally be a mom? Tell me everything!”

• “You should totally run for committee president! People are naturally drawn to your calm and confident presence. Honestly, I think they need a leader like you.”

• “I’m doing well! Things are pretty boring in our house right now, just getting ready for spring break. But what about you? You just got a big promotion — tell me more about that!”

• “So how’s your writing going? I remember you were exploring fiction writing last time we talked. I think you were drafting a story about a teenage arctic explorer, right? How’s that going?”

• “I was sorry to hear you and Simon broke up. Now that the dust has settled, how do you feel about everything?”

• “Remember when you debated Manny Johnson for senior class president and your speech was so epic you got a five minute standing ovation and Manny conceded on the spot? That’s still one of my all-time favorite high school memories.”

• “The new proposal is a really tough situation. I definitely think safety is most important, but I also understand how these rules could disrupt our casual culture. What do you think?”

• “You’re facing a really tough choice, and I can totally understand the appeal of both options. I’ve known you for a long time, and it’s always really important to you to do the ‘right thing.’ So maybe you’d feel better if you fessed up to Greg about what happened?”

• “Stacy was so impressed with the scarf you knitted me. She wouldn’t stop raving about it and said she’ll pay you literally anything to make her one!”

• “Happy birthday man. Just wanted to say how grateful I am to have you as a buddy. You inspire me to work hard every day and never let up.”

When you’re with a Giver, you feel:

• Like an important celebrity.

• Like the focus is on you.

• Like a unique and special person.

• Excited and energized.

• Genuine, comfortable, and authentic.

• Confident and positive about yourself.

• Warm and open, which makes you want to treat others in a similar way.

Givers focus the conversation on exploring your unique, special, and fascinating life. They create a comfortable, genuine, and engaging energy that brings down your guard. They act as a mirror that draws meaningful things out of you and reflects them back to you in a favorable light.

The result is that Givers are socially magnetic: You (and others) are drawn to them because they make you feel good about yourself.

This anonymous quote summarizes a Giver’s magnet effect:

A man never likes you so well as when he leaves your company liking himself.

Now, I’m not suggesting anyone acts like a Giver all the time, or should mimic every example above, or never talk about themselves. That would be unnatural. But most of the time, Givers embody this quote from Mary Kay Ash:

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.” Never forget this message when working with people.

What Do Takers Look Like?

Let’s paint a picture of what Takers look like. I bet this will remind you of someone in your life, and I bet you don’t really like spending time with that person.

Here are some things a Taker might do when you’re together:

• Show shallow interest in your life and instead focus the conversation spotlight on themselves and their interests.

• Don’t remember or understand important things from your life.

• Tell stories that feature them as the hero.

• Promote their own point of view on complex or controversial topics.

• Use your life updates as a story prompt to boast about their own semi-related experiences and accomplishments.

• Ask probing personal questions from a place of disingenuous judgment.

• Gossip and overshare the private lives of others to try and impress you with how much they know.

• Confidently tell you what you should do in a complex situation that they don’t fully understand.

• Imply that you don’t know what you’re doing or are making a foolish mistake in a situation that they don’t fully understand.

• Casually declare an oversimplified solution to a complex problem, assuming because it might work for them, it will definitely work for you.

• Subtly promote their own agenda.

• Frequently remind you of things they’ve done for you.

Here are some things a Taker might say when you’re together:

• “I’ve been so busy with this important project at work. I’m the only one keeping it on track. Actually, the Vice President of Marketing pulled me aside yesterday to thank me for cleaning up everyone’s mess.”

• “I think it’s all nonsense. Your kids aren’t going to get sick from playing on a fertilized lawn. Think about it — that just doesn’t make any sense.”

• “Congratulations on your new job. I used to work as an engineer myself and you really need to be very smart to succeed. You know, I led a big important project once…”

• “You’re writing poetry, that’s so interesting. So how will you make money from your poetry?”

• “Cindy asked me not to share this, so don’t tell anyone, but she’s struggling to get pregnant.”

• “You can’t just start a company by yourself. You need to have a mentor to guide you.”

• “Do you know how to install a new light in the bathroom? Because you can’t just screw some holes in the wall and turn it on.”

• “I believe you just have to focus on the positive and then everything will be alright.”

• “How are you liking the blender I got you for Christmas? How often do you use it? Do you keep it on the counter?”

• “Can you believe the new rules the school board passed? It’s really disgusting. Don’t you agree? You should say something to the head of the committee.”

When you’re with a Taker, you feel:

• Emotionally drained.

• Sour and negative.

• Like a captive audience during a monologue.

• Bad about yourself.

• Subtly judged and criticized.

• Inauthentic, like you’re putting up a front.

• Cautious and on the defensive.

• Closed off and guarded, which makes you want to be cautious of others.

Takers focus the conversation on promoting their own interests, experiences, accomplishments, attributes, and opinions. They create an uncomfortable and inauthentic energy that puts you on guard. They boost themselves by subtly painting themselves in a positive light and you in a negative light.

The result is that Takers are socially repellent: You (and others) avoid them because they make you feel bad about yourself.

Now, no one manifests all these behaviors all the time. And, to be clear, Takers aren’t necessarily mean or evil people. It’s just that you often leave their presence feeling worse about yourself and your life.

Who wants to be around someone like that?

10 Life Lessons on the Golden Question

Since I heard the wise maid of honor give her toast, I’ve been thinking a lot about where I fall on the Golden Question.

The thought I’ve wrestled with most is, “When I spend time with the people I love, do they walk away feeling better about themselves?”

Honestly, I don’t think the answer is Yes as often as I’d like. And I want to change that.

For your own life, spend some time pondering these 10 insights:

1. The Golden Question asks: “How do you make someone feel when you’re together?”

2. The Golden Question isn’t just about fun and positivity (Experience Level), it’s about making someone feel good about who they are as a person (Soul Level).

3. You may land in different places on the Golden Question spectrum with different people across different situations.

4. If you make someone feel better about themselves and their life (you act as a Giver), they’ll want to spend more time with you.

5. If you make someone feel worse about themselves and their life (you act as a Taker), they’ll want to spend less time with you.

6. If you make a regular practice of being a Giver with people, you’ll never be alone. There will always be people who want to spend time with you.

7. Make sure to build people up from a genuine and loving place. If it comes across as fake or shallow praise, you’ll appear manipulative and untrustworthy.

8. We tend to mimic the behavior of people we spend time with, so be thoughtful about how much time you spend with Givers vs. Takers.

9. Spend more time with the people who make you feel good about yourself. Not only will you leave happier and more confident, but their Giver behavior will rub off on you.

10. Spend less time with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Not only will you avoid feeling bad about yourself, but their Taker behavior won’t rub off on you.

Take a few minutes to ask yourself these five questions:

1. Who in your life makes you feel good about who you are? And who makes you feel bad?

2. How much of your time do you give to the Givers in your life? What about the Takers?

3. How do you make others feel? Who do you frequently act as a Giver or a Taker for in your life? Are you OK with that?

4. Is there anyone in your inner circle who acts as a Taker for you, consistently making you feel bad about yourself? Is there a way to spend less time with that person?

5. Think about the most important people in your life, the people you love and care deeply about: How do you make them feel about themselves when they’re with you?

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NOTE: Today's post is a little different than our usual topics. If you enjoy fascinating history and strange human sociology, I think you’ll love it!

Over the last month, I’ve been absorbed in a podcast called Unobscured.

Created and narrated by Aaron Mahnke (best known for Lore), Season 1 of Unobscured is a deep and detailed exploration of the Salem witch trials.

In case you’re not familiar, or just need a refresher, here’s a quick summary of the trials:

The Salem witch trials were a series of hearings and prosecutions of people accused of witchcraft in colonial Massachusetts between February 1692 and May 1693.

More than two hundred people were accused. Thirty were found guilty, nineteen of whom were executed by hanging (fourteen women and five men). One other man, Giles Corey, was pressed to death for refusing to plead, and at least five people died in jail.

The episode is one of Colonial America’s most notorious cases of mass hysteria. It has been used in political rhetoric and popular literature as a vivid cautionary tale about the dangers of isolationism, religious extremism, false accusations, and lapses in due process.

Many historians consider the lasting effects of the trials to have been highly influential in subsequent United States history. According to historian George Lincoln Burr, “the Salem witchcraft was the rock on which the theocracy shattered.”

I grew up in Danvers, which is the present-day name for Salem Village. And as I type this, I’m sitting just a few miles from where the trials took place.

I’m a local, so I thought I knew the story of the Salem witch trials.

Well, I was wrong.

Maybe it’s because I first learned about the witch trials as a schoolboy, too young to really understand it all.

Or maybe it’s because Unobscured told the story in more detail than I’d ever heard before.

Or maybe it’s because Chad Lawson’s hauntingly beautiful musical podcast score (which I’m listening to as I write this) brought the story to life.

Whatever the reason, the Salem witch trials have gotten in my head, and I can’t stop thinking about what happened.

One thought in particular popped into my mind during episode one, and has echoed around since:

If you could travel back in time to the start of the Salem witch trials, knowing everything you know now, could you stop the whole thing from happening?

To be clear, this thought wasn’t born as a fun or light-hearted game. And I’m not writing in that spirit now. Even though it feels like a distant era, the Salem witch trials were a genuine tragedy. Men, women, and children were hunted, imprisoned, tortured, and killed. Families were ripped apart. It was a slow-motion horror that left deep scars on the history of humanity.

Instead, I became absorbed in the psychology behind the question. I pondered it as a thought exercise about human nature and the social dynamics of mass hysteria:

If you saw a disaster, driven by mass hysteria, unfolding in front of you in slow motion, and you knew exactly how it was going to play out, could you stop it?

After listening to Unobscured, the six bonus expert interviews, and reading dozens of articles on the Salem witch trials and mass hysteria, I do think there’s a way you could stop it all from happening.

Before I explain, we need to look deeper at what really happened in Salem Village over 300 years ago.

What Happened in Salem? The Devil is in the Details

Before Unobscured, I thought the people of Salem Village were simple, unintelligent, and scared of everything. They seemed like our distant, dim-witted ancestors from another era. I thought with a little preparation, I could travel back in time and shake some sense into them:

Guys, wake up. Stop the madness.

There are no witches riding broomsticks at night. Satan didn’t shapeshift into a goat to nap in your barn. Your stomach doesn’t hurt because a warlock cursed you.

I know life kinda sucks here in 1692, but don’t take it out on each other. I’m from the future where science can explain everything you’re scared of. Spoiler alert: it’s not supernatural forces.

Now ask me something you’re scared of and I’ll look it up on Wikipedia.

I saw the people of Salem Village as scared little children. If I could tuck them in and assure them there’s no boogie man, they’d sleep well and forget about witches.

Well, by episode four, a somber realization had set in:

The hysteria of the Salem witch trials was far deeper, far darker, and far more complex than I ever imagined.

There wasn’t just one simple cause. These people weren’t innocently confused. They weren’t just afraid of the dark. No, there were much larger forces at work.

To really understand the Salem witch trials, you have to look closely at the shocking details under the surface. Below I’ve summarized the broad strokes of what happened and included examples.

This isn’t meant to be a complete historical account (for that, listen to Unobscured). Instead, this is a highlight reel of horrors, created so you can understand just how bizarre and out of control the situation really was:

A range of accusers (mostly young girls) exhibited bizarre symptoms of invisible torment, which they attributed to witchcraft:

• A handful of young girls claimed they were being bitten, pinched, hit, choked, whispered to, and generally tormented by witches.

• The girls exhibited terrifying spasms, contorted positions, crying, screaming, unnatural movements, blank stares, and uncontrollable jumping. They cried in pain from being pinched and bitten, and displayed fresh marks on their skin as evidence.

• At different times, the girls hid under furniture, reported fevers, barked like dogs, went speechless, and screamed in terror.

• The girls described their invisible tormentors in disturbing detail, for example saying an accused witch sat on a roof beam suckling a yellow bird between her fingers.

• Reverend John Hale described their torment: “These children were bitten and pinched by invisible agents; their arms, necks, and backs turned this way and that way, and returned back again, so as it was impossible for them to do of themselves, and beyond the power of Epileptick fits, or natural disease to effect. Sometimes they were taken dumb, their mouths stopped, their throats choked, their limbs wracked and tormented so as might move a heart of stone to sympathize with them.”

• Tituba, an adult slave from Barbados, confirmed witchcraft as the cause and described fantastical and terrifying visions of “a hog, a great black dog, a red cat, a black cat, a yellow bird and a hairy creature that walked on two legs. Another animal had…wings and two legs and a head like a woman.” At one point during her questioning, she claimed the devil struck her blind.

The witchcraft hysteria spread far and fast:

• It started in Salem Village, but the frenzy quickly spread to nearby towns of Gloucester, Andover, Ipswich, Topsfield, Beverly, and Wenham.

• The authorities sent witch finders (young girls who were tormented by witches) into new towns to find more witches.

• Strangely, 50 people confessed to being a witch, and some provided richly detailed stories of their devilish activities.

• Confessors shared vivid accounts of flying on broomsticks, attending giant dinners in the woods with the devil, signing the devil’s book, and seeing visions of hairy creatures, a bird with a woman’s head, a mysterious tall man, and much more.

• Once a shocking confession spread through the communities, other accused witches would confess and confirm the details from the story they heard.

Anyone could be accused, jailed, tried, and executed:

• Nearly 200 people were accused of witchcraft and 25 innocent people died: 19 died by hanging, one was pressed to death, and five died in jail.

• 80% of witch suspects were women.

• A mother and her four-year-old daughter were accused and arrested.

• A respected minister was accused, arrested, tried, and hanged.

• Two dogs were accused of witchcraft and executed because children claimed the dogs sent them into convulsions.

• When an accuser would name a new witch, others would quickly jump on board and start claiming attacks from that person.

• People believed you could be a witch without even realizing it (this led some people to confess).

• A Harvard minister (George Burroughs) was accused and convicted largely because he was so physically strong, which suggested supernatural powers.

• Even mentioning the devil could get you accused (one guy cursed out his neighbor for grazing a horse on his land, yelling, “The devil take you!” and he was accused.)

• One guy asked about someone possibly being a witch and that promptly got him accused of witchcraft just for bringing it up.

• Any type of disrespect, such as speaking out of turn, using the wrong tone, or muttering under your breath could get you accused of being a witch.

Early in the witch delusion, people accused their enemies. Later, they accused their friends and family:

• Salem Villagers initially targeted people they didn’t like, such as beggars, outsiders, abrasive people, neighbors they had quarrels with, a man who beat his wives, people with disabilities, etc.

• At first, the accusers were all young girls, but adults quickly joined in and accused more witches.

• Some arrested witches named others to try and save themselves.

• When the hysteria spread to Andover, people named their friends and family. At one point, five sisters and their mother all named each other as witches.

Anything bad, scary, or unusual was assumed to be the work of the devil (or his witch minions), who was targeting the Puritans because they were God’s chosen people:

• People thought the devil was 100% real and creeping around town in a variety of human and animal forms.

• A spooky black cat could be the devil. A goat could be the devil. The devil in the form of a wolf was reported to follow a young girl through the woods.

• If your livestock died, it could be a witch. If you felt sick, it could be a witch. If your milk curdled or your cider turned sour, it could be a witch. Even a bad dream could be a witch attack.

• The town doctor who evaluated the afflicted girls and declared them victims of witchcraft had no formal medical training and may have been illiterate.

• Villagers believed the devil retaliated for the witch trials by blowing the roof off their meetinghouse and sending a tsunami to destroy parts of Jamaica.

• Native Americans were considered heathen and agents of the devil.

• At one point, the villagers believed they had captured the “King and Queen of Hell.”

A handful of influential people in powerful positions drove the trials forward:

• A handful of powerful judges, ministers, and sheriffs aggressively drove the panic and some basically had to be dragged away at the end.

• Two powerful families (the Porters and the Putnams), fueled by years of disagreement, used the witch trials as an opportunity to attack each other and further their agendas.

• As the situation spiraled and outsiders became concerned, the Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony outlawed any negative writing about the trials. However, an influential minister was allowed to publish books supporting the trials.

The court trials were an absolute circus that made a mockery of justice:

• Because the Massachusetts Bay Colony had its charter revoked, the courts were in a weird situation without a formal law system.

• The trials were based on spectral evidence, so if someone claimed they were attacked by your ghost or spell or whatever, you could be found guilty.

• Ridiculous tests were central to the trials, including looking for moles or blemishes on the accused person’s skin, a “touch test” where the accused witch had to touch their alleged victim, a test where the accused had to recite the Lord’s Prayer, and more.

• Hearsay and gossip were welcomed as part of the trial.

• Accused witches couldn’t get legal counsel, call their own witnesses, or request an appeal.

• During the trials, the afflicted girls would prowl around the courtroom and suddenly go into fits of torment, spasming and writhing, claiming they were under attack by a witch.

• Some accused witches presented petitions affirming their good character, with as many as 40 supporting signatures from the community. It didn’t seem to matter.

• One respected woman (Rebecca Nurse) received a “not guilty” verdict, but then the judge asked her one more question, which she didn’t respond to, probably because she was nearly deaf and/or the question was phrased in a confusing way. The jury was sent back and the verdict was immediately changed to “guilty.” She was sentenced to death.

• Rebecca Nurse’s family presented her case to the Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, and he gave her a reprieve from execution. It was soon revoked and she was hanged.

• It was believed a witch couldn’t correctly recite the Lord’s Prayer. Harvard Minister George Burroughs recited the prayer perfectly and with moving conviction as he stood at the gallows, awaiting his execution. The crowd moved towards him to stop the execution, but they were pushed back and he was hanged anyways.

• One woman recited the Lord’s Prayer but someone claimed she said “hollowed be thy name” rather than “hallowed be thy name.” She was found guilty.

• One man was crushed to death with stones for refusing to answer the court’s questions. When his tongue hung out of his mouth, the Sheriff stuffed it back in with the end of his cane.

The law enforcement system was corrupt and inhumane:

• Personal assets were seized when a person was accused, not convicted.

• High Sheriff George Corwin, who arrested suspects and executed the condemned, collected their personal property (but not land) to either keep or sell for profit. He even arrested a man and then rode to the man’s house to take the wedding ring off his wife’s hand.

• The Salem jail was called “a suburb of hell” and the Boston jail (where the overflow of the accused witches were kept) was called “a grave for the living.”

• Some of the accused were chained with shackles that only a blacksmith could remove so they couldn’t harm their victims. Jailers even put a little girl into leg irons.

• The jails had horrid conditions, were freezing cold, and were infested with bugs.

• Accused witches had to pay for their own food in jail.

• It’s believed a jailer in Boston was repeatedly bribed to let accused witches go free.

• Wealthy accused witches were allowed to leave jail during the day and go about their business as long as they were accompanied by a guard.

• Accused witches who were found not guilty had to pay a bond fee to get out of jail.

• One woman died in jail, but the jailers wouldn’t release her body until her family paid for it.

• Two teenage boys were forced to confess by using a military torture technique in the back of a tavern.

Wow. What a mess.

By the time I finished Unobscured, the reality was clear:

The Salem witch trials weren’t just a few frightened townsfolk accusing each other of witchcraft.

The trials were a self-sustaining hysteria machine, fueled by government corruption, feeding on public fear, and clawing into every corner of the community.

How did all this happen?

How did the Puritan’s beloved “city upon a hill” devolve into hell on earth?

What Caused the Salem Witch Trials?

There are many theories as to what caused the Salem witch trials. Over the years, historians, researchers, and scholars have uncovered a wide range of plausible forces.

Here’s a brief summary of the theories for what caused the Salem witch trials:

The girls acted out because they were some mix of bored, spooked, attention-seeking, rebellious, and/or jealous:

• Some historians think the girls were frightened by a fortune-telling game, during which an egg cracked into a glass took the shape of a coffin. This planted the seeds of witchcraft in their mind.

• Author John Putnam theorized that the young girls were engaging in teenage rebellion against a generation of repressive adults in their community.

• One theory suggests the young, unmarried girls accused older, married and widowed women because they were jealous of their social status.

• Some think the girls were simply bored and enjoyed the influence and attention that came from their fits.

The girls suffered from PTSD as a result of first-hand exposure to the Native American wars:

• Historian Emerson Baker theorized that many of the tormented girls were war refugees who survived the Native American wars in Maine.

• Some of the girls even saw family members killed or were taken captive during the war.

Because the Massachusetts Bay Colony was struggling and life was so awful, people’s stress and anxiety spilled over:

• There’s evidence that extremely cold weather is correlated with witch hunt hysteria, both in Salem Village and in Europe.

• There was a “Little Ice Age” from the 1500’s — 1800’s, during which temperatures were lower than average. The period from 1680 to 1730, part of the Maunder Minimum, saw the most extreme stretches of cold weather.

• Cold weather was not only unpleasant, but it led to hunger as crops failed, livestock died, and fish didn’t migrate as far north.

• Native American Wars and attacks raged uncomfortably close to the town and made people feel the devil was closing in.

• Many residents of Salem, including young children, had witnessed the brutality of war first hand. Some of them had literally limped from their destroyed communities in Maine into Salem Village.

• People suffered high taxes (and uneven tax rates) to help support the cost of defending the colony from the Native American Wars.

• In 1684, Massachusetts had its charter revoked by England, leading to tension and uncertainty around the future of the colony’s governance. The charter was replaced in 1691 with a new charter that reduced the colony’s independence.

• At the time, everyone believed the devil was a real, physical being that was stalking their God-chosen colony and trying to steal their souls to hell. The only answer was devotion to intense religious practice.

Personal disputes over land, property, and religious ideology spilled over into witchcraft accusations:

• There were ongoing rivalries between prominent families (Porters vs Putnams) over property lines, religious practices, church policies, minister appointments, and more.

• At one point, some town members withheld firewood delivery and salary from the town’s Reverend.

• Some historians believe these personal and religious politics spilled over into accusations of witchcraft.

A few important power players drove the witchcraft mania for their own benefit:

• Some historians believe prominent figures such as Reverend Samuel Parris, Judge William Stoughton, Minister Cotton Mather, and High Sheriff George Corwin encouraged and fueled the frenzy to promote their own interests and reputations.

• Several feminist historians believe the trials were a way for the powerful patriarchy to persecute women who were socially different. This is a recurring theme among European witch trials.

The accusers (and eventually others) were participants in a mass hysteria:

• A mass psychogenic illness “arises from long-term anxiety and features motor agitation. Common symptoms include twitching, shaking, trouble walking, uncontrollable laughing and weeping, communication difficulties and trance states. Symptoms appear slowly over weeks or months under exposure to long-standing stress, and typically take weeks or months to subside, after the stress has been reduced or eliminated.”

The accusers (and eventually others) were hallucinating due to medical conditions:

• Historians have posed a range of theories that suggest underlying medical issues caused the strange hallucinations and subsequent hysteric behavior.

• Medical theories include: ergot poisoning from fungus in grains led to hallucinatory effects, an outbreak of encephalitis lethargica from insects and birds caused brain inflammation, and lyme disease or arctic hysteria drove the strange behavior.

• For a variety of reasons, most historians feel the medical theories about the Salem witch trials are not credible.

There are so many theories behind what caused the Salem witch trials. Because everything happened over 300 years ago and so many documents have been lost or destroyed, it’s hard to know exactly what happened.

That said, I’ve arrived at my own meta theory.

After going deep on the Salem witch trials, I believe three major forces led to the strange and horrific events of 1692.

Three Forces Aligned to Cause the Salem Witch Trials

My overarching theory draws from the incredible research, insights, and explanations of Salem witch trials historians, and I give them full credit.

After listening to Unobscured, the six bonus expert interviews, and reading dozens of articles on the Salem witch trials, it’s clear that there were many causes behind the witchcraft hysteria.

As Emerson Baker put it, The Salem witch trials were a “perfect storm.”

What happened in Salem likely had many causes, and as many responses to those causes…While each book puts forward its own theories, most historians agree that there was no single cause for the witchcraft that started in Salem and spread across the region.

To borrow a phrase from another tragic chapter of Essex County history, Salem offered a ‘perfect storm’ a unique convergence of conditions and events that produced what was by far the largest and most lethal witchcraft episode in American history.

Put simply, I believe three major forces aligned to cause a mass hysteria that spread like wildfire:

(1) The original accusers provided a spark, (2) powerful people stepped in and fanned the flames, and (3) the community was a forest of dry brush that caught fire.

Let’s look at these three steps in detail and consider the supporting evidence:

Step 1 (The Spark): The girls who started making accusations were under tremendous stress from a wide range of sources and experienced a mass psychogenic illness:

• It began with conversion disorder, a well-documented condition, usually seen in teenage girls, in which psychological stress manifests into physical symptoms.

• This spread into a mass psychogenic illness, which involves the “rapid spread of illness signs and symptoms affecting members of a cohesive group…whereby physical complaints that are exhibited unconsciously have no corresponding organic aetiology.”

• Mass psychogenic illness is known to affect mostly young women in a close community, beginning with women of higher social or age status and spreading downwards.

• The original accusers lived in extremely strict religious households, which is a common thread across witch accusers from Salem and other places that suffered mass witch hysteria.

• These girls were told on a regular basis that God is angry, the devil is everywhere, we’re part of God’s special chosen people, everyone else is wrong, and if you misbehave you’re going to hell.

• The girls were taught by their respected elders that the devil was in a physical form, creeping around town, trying to steal their souls.

• The community lived in fear of Native American raids. Terrifying tales circled through the town, featuring Native Americans roasting holy Puritans over a fire pit or scalping them alive.

• Many of the girls suffered the pain of the Native American Wars first hand, seeing their friends, families, and neighbors killed. Some of the girls were captured.

• It was extremely cold and food sources were limited. Even firewood wasn’t a sure thing, as Reverend Parris had his firewood withheld by the town, putting his household under stress.

• In 1692, women had far fewer rights than men. Young girls in particular were low on the social hierarchy. They were to be “seen and not heard.”

• Bottom Line: Life was stressful for these young girls. They were under extreme religious pressure at home, lived in terror of a war raging at their doorstep, were given little social respect, feared the devil at every turn, and were cold and hungry. This tremendous stress manifested as a conversion disorder and spread in the form of a mass psychogenic illness, with a focus on witchcraft.

Step 2 (Powerful People Fanned the Flames): A small group of powerful and influential people encouraged the girls’ strange behavior and whipped everyone into a frenzy to further their own agendas:

• Reverend Samuel Parris, Judge William Stoughton, Minister Cotton Mather, and High Sheriff George Corwin encouraged and fueled the witchcraft frenzy.

• These powerful Puritans were an elite group who believed they were the leaders of God’s chosen people and Salem Village was a utopian “city upon a hill.” This town was their source of pride and respect, and their reputation was at stake as the devil himself was coming to destroy their community.

• While they may have truly believed they were under attack from the devil, these men spread the hysteria to promote their own interests, agendas, and reputations.

• Reverend Parris may have beaten Titubu and encouraged her to confess, which she did in riveting detail, sparking a wave of accusations. She also claimed she saw nine names in the devil’s book, setting in motion a hunt for more witches.

• Historians described Reverend Parris as a difficult and stubborn man, and a fire-and-brimstone preacher with something to prove after a long string of failures.

• Judge William Stoughton set the tone on the court, and the other ministers looked to him for direction. Historians described him as a self-loathing man who was obsessed with getting as many witchcraft convictions as possible.

• Many of the judges were Harvard graduates who had failed to become ministers and may have felt they had something to prove.

• Minister Cotton Mather wanted attention for his sensational, fear-based religious writing. After the witch trials ended, he later wrote that they were ultimately a good thing because they drove people towards religion and “filled the pews.”

• High Sheriff George Corwin enthusiastically rounded up and executed accused witches. He collected their personal property for his own profit.

• If an accused witch confessed, they wouldn’t be executed right away so they could help name others. These men therefore created an obvious incentive for people to falsely confess and name others, simultaneously justifying and spreading the witchcraft proceedings.

• Bottom Line: It’s possible these guys believed they were doing the right thing. But they became hell-bent on prolonging and expanding the witch trials in ways that ultimately served their own interests.

Step 3 (The Community Caught Fire): A community of scared and vulnerable people used the growing witch panic as a free opportunity to punish people they didn’t like, vent their frustrations, and improve their lives:

• The people in these communities were under extreme stress from many sources: a nearby war, the threat of Native American raids, the arrival in town of war refugees from a failed expansion to Maine, extreme cold, food shortages, a struggling economy, religious pressure, a revoked colony charter, unfairly high taxes, disagreements over church policy, hungry wolves, high infant mortality (25% of children under one died), and fear of the devil.

• Stifling religious pressure was a part of everyday life, and “Puritans lived in a constant state of spiritual anxiety, searching for signs of God’s favor or anger.”

• Historians describe how their day-to-day life was scary. Without electricity, there was darkness everywhere. Something as simple as a black cat emerging from your basement’s shadows could be the devil.

• The accused witches tended to be outsiders, people who were different, or difficult people who were disliked. Villagers accused people who they had quarrels with, or didn’t fit in, or weren’t religious enough, or were mentally disabled. Some accusers were effectively purging their community of people they felt didn’t belong.

• Some pious villagers felt a church policy called the Half-Way Covenant let people into the church who didn’t deserve to be there. This, and other disagreements on religious policy and leadership, may have led to devout church members accusing their less-holy neighbors.

• Property disputes may have fueled accusations. One researcher showed that the women accused of witchcraft had an unusually high connection to property holdings.

• Villagers who had recently suffered misfortune, such as illness, livestock deaths, or loss of a loved one, found the trials provided a simple explanation for their bad luck and an easy scapegoat for their frustrations.

• Several men were accused who had a violent history. One man had beaten a disabled servant to death (paying only a fine as penalty) and another had a reputation for hitting his wives. Women in the community may have accused those men of witchcraft as a form of payback.

• Bottom Line: Life was hard, people were extremely stressed and vulnerable, and everyone was looking for someone to blame. When the girls displayed their bizarre and frightening behavior and community leaders enthusiastically declared it the work of the devil, it became open season on witches. Townspeople took their frustrations out on people they didn’t like.

All three of these steps were necessary for the Salem witch trials to become what they did.

So if you could stop one, you just might be able to avoid the entire tragedy.

Could You Stop the Salem Witch Trials?

Now that we’ve got a solid understand of what happened, let’s revisit the original question:

If you could travel back in time to the start of the Salem witch trials, knowing everything you know now, could you stop the whole thing from happening?

OK, first let’s put in place a few basic rules. Assume that you can:

• Present yourself in any way you choose (for example, clothing that’s modern or time-appropriate, a speaking style from the era or another era, etc.)

• Spend one day researching the people and situation before you arrive so you’re well oriented.

• Bring with you one suitcase (airplane carry-on size) filled with anything you like.

• Arrive any time and place you like, as long as it’s in Salem Village in 1692.

And let’s rule out extreme solutions or solutions that stop the girls before they even begin their fits. So for example, you can’t just blow up the town or poison the girls before they start making accusations. And, for simplicity sake, let’s ignore the downstream future implications of changing the past.

Here’s the challenge: You have to find a way to swoop in and stop the mass hysteria in its tracks. And you have to do it without getting yourself killed.

Don’t underestimate the danger of getting executed. During the witch hysteria, if you said the wrong word, asked the wrong question, criticized the proceedings, or even muttered under your breath, you could find yourself headed for Gallows Hill.

Think about it. What would you do?

As I formulated my answer, I ran through a few important insights in my mind:

There are a few things from history that didn’t work to stop the madness:

• Secular logic: It seems like most appeals to logic and common sense fell on deaf ears.

• Religious logic: Religion-based logic didn’t seem to work either. Questions such as, “Why would the devil let his minions point out his other witches?” or “How can I be a witch when I can recite the Lord’s Prayer?” or “Couldn’t the devil pretend to be good people to disguise himself and get them in trouble?” were raised, but casually brushed aside.

• Legal appeals: Several people both inside and outside the trials criticized the process as unjust and unprecedented. The use of “spectral evidence” was questioned. Judges resigned. This didn’t seem to help.

• Petitions: Several people gathered petitions from neighbors to attest to their good character (Rebecca Nurse’s petition had 40+ signatures). This didn’t seem to work as they were convicted anyways.

• Takeaways: Appeals to reason, religion, justice, and ethics fell on deaf ears. Even public resistance was overcome.

There are a few things from history that did seem to help stop the madness:

• Influential players in Boston wrote books, letters, and pamphlets questioning the situation and urging caution. Increase Mather and Thomas Brattle, two powerful Bostonians, published criticisms that seemed to help turn the tide of public opinion.

• One Boston man was accused of being a witch so he promptly sued the young woman making the claim for defamation and she dropped her accusations.

• When the wives of Governor Phips and Increase Mather (top minister in the colony) were accused of witchcraft, the Governor stepped in and effectively ended the trials.

• Takeaways: Powerful people were able to turn the tide and ultimately end the trials.

My Plan to Stop the Salem Witch Trials

As I considered the full situation, I came up with one solid way to stop the trials before they spin out of control. I’m sure there are other creative solutions (if you have ideas, I’d love to hear them!), but here’s where I landed:

If I had one shot to go back and stop the Salem witch trials, I’d shame the power players with the truth of what’s about to happen and convince them to stop the madness themselves.

Let me walk you through exactly what I’d do:

I arrive in the beginning, soon after the girls have their fits but before anyone is executed. The fits began in February of 1692 and Tituba was questioned on March 1st, which was a key flashpoint that launched the trials. Since the goal is to arrive before the power players ramp up their witch hunt, I target a date in late February.

I appear outside the meetinghouse on a Sunday, in hopes that many of the major players are already gathered inside for religious services. It’s probably uncomfortably cold, so I’m wearing modern-day winter clothes for the weather. The brighter the colors, the better.

Standing outside the meetinghouse, I pull from my bag three items:

First, a small megaphone with built-in siren noises.

Second, a small, battery-powered, multi-color, disco-ball strobe lamp. I set it up at my feet and turn it on so it starts flashing and spinning, flinging a rainbow of exotic colors in every direction.

Third, a small, fully-automatic submachine gun (I’m wearing a belt with several extra clips).

I fire three rounds from the gun into the air and sound the siren on my megaphone. This will definitely get their attention.

As the townspeople emerge from the meetinghouse, they see a man dressed in unfamiliar bright clothes, surrounded by strange, dancing colorful lights, holding what appears to be some type of large pistol.

As they approach, I try to engage them in conversation using a calm and peaceful tone. If they seem aggressive or are carrying pistols or rifles, I fire an extended burst into a nearby tree. I ask them to drop any weapons they’re holding using the megaphone.

The first machine gun won’t be invented for another 200 years, so the speed and power of this weapon should be overwhelming. As much as I don’t want to start things off on an aggressive foot, I need their complete attention and respect. The gun is also my insurance against getting arrested and hanged.

Between the submachine gun, the deafening megaphone, and the spinning disco light, I should achieve my goal of total shock and awe.

I say through the megaphone, “I have been sent here by the highest powers to speak to the following men immediately: Samuel Parris, William Stoughton, Cotton Mather, and George Corwin.”

Depending on who from my list is present, I may ask for riders to retrieve the others. I also ask if Governor Phips and Increase Mather can be quickly gathered.

Either way, I wait inside with whoever is present until I have at least Parris, Stoughton, Corwin, and one of the Mathers. I carry in my gun and ask one of the men to bring my bag, where I’ve stored away my megaphone and disco ball.

Once the gentlemen have arrived, I ask them to be seated. I stand at the pulpit and speak slowly:

Listen to me carefully, because what I’m about to say is the most important thing you will ever hear in your life. I know my speaking style is unfamiliar, so if there is something you do not understand or is confusing, raise your hand and I will stop and explain.

I am a time traveler from the future. That means I come from this place, Salem Village, many, many, generations from now. Hundreds of years in the future. In the future we have amazing powers and can do things beyond your imagination. What you have seen here today is just a small display of what we can do.

I am here because several powerful ministers from my time, in the future, spoke directly to God, and God is very angry with you. Those ministers sent me back here to deliver a special message to you today.

This is my message:

There are no witches in Massachusetts. The devil is not anywhere near your town. The strange fits you have seen from Betty Parris, Abigail Williams, Ann Putnam, Jr., and Elizabeth Hubbard are NOT the work of any supernatural being. They are due to a simple medical affliction, which I will explain to you shortly.

In the future, we can see what you men are going to do next, just as you can look back at people from the past and see the actions of your ancestors. In the next year, you men are going to lead a wild and reckless hunt for witches across this colony. You will arrest and execute many people you believe to be witches.

This is a terrible mistake. Your actions will be judged as extremely wrong and evil. You men sitting here will become famous across the entire world, written about in every history document and religious book for hundreds of years to come as examples of men who acted against God.

I want to show you just a few small examples of what the world will come to think of you. In the future, we are able to use special light to show plays and performances. Because of the awful things you men are about to do, many actors will perform as you in a variety of plays.

Let me show you.

On a table in front of the men, I set up a large-screen iPad and play for them The Crucible, Salem Witch Trials, and Witches of Salem. I stream the sound through a wireless bluetooth speaker so they can all hear clearly and be impressed by my powers.

Once the films are over, I stand and speak again:

Each performance changes the details slightly, but they all share one thing in common: YOU men are the villains.

Every school child for a thousand years to come will know your names as the worst sinners against humanity because of how you hunted and persecuted what you thought were witches, but were really innocent people.

Even worse than the judgement of your fellow men, is the judgement of God. If you proceed with your witch delusion, we know that God will not allow you into heaven, and you will spend all eternity in hell.

Now, I have very good news. You do NOT have to go down this evil path. You can still go to heaven and be regarded as the greatest men of your generation for many years to come. But you have to do exactly as I say.

First, and most importantly, you must stop all efforts to discover, arrest, or punish witches. There are no witches, warlocks, demons, devils, or other supernatural threats present in the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

Second, you must help the afflicted girls heal using my special medical protocol.

In the future, we have very advanced doctors with abilities beyond anything you can imagine. We can see inside bodies and minds and heal people with incredible ease and accuracy. Our doctors know exactly what is afflicting Betty Parris, Abigail Williams, Ann Putnam, Jr., Elizabeth Hubbard, and anyone else exhibiting similar symptoms.

They are suffering from what is known as mass hysteria. This occurs when a group of people are under great stress from many forces. The stress plaguing their minds is translated into physical symptoms that are beyond their control. These physical symptoms appear to be torment from an outside force, but they come from the mind of the girl, without her knowledge.

Examples of the things causing the girls’ distress include: the Native American conflicts, cold weather, food shortages, a struggling economy, religious pressure, and fear of the devil. You must do what you can to ease the pressure from these sources.

In addition, you must use the following medical protocol with the girls:

1) Separate them from each other until their symptoms are gone.

2) Assure them that their symptoms are of a known medical origin, with no supernatural connection, and that they will fully recover in time.

3) Make sure they are in a home environment where they feel safe and stable.

4) Reduce their stress by decreasing their religious, social, and educational pressures.

5) Encourage them to have fun, laugh, and connect with other people in a joyful way.

Are there any questions about these treatment orders? Are they perfectly clear?

After answering any questions, I wrap up my sermon:

The powerful ministers that sent me here know you are good men, because God knows you are good men. Understand my meaning here today and follow my instructions and you will be forever known as the good leaders of Salem Village.

Are there any other questions?

I wish you good luck. May the Lord bless you. Please stay seated and discuss what I have said here today. Do not follow me out.

And with that, I exit the meetinghouse, walk down the road, and depart from 1692.

Would My Plan to Stop the Salem Witch Trials Really Work?

So, would it work?

Here’s why I think my plan would successfully stop the Salem witch trials before they could begin:

On some level, I think the people of Salem knew what they were doing was wrong. The whole mess lasted about one year, meaning people realized fairly quickly they were mistaken. This realization didn’t require colossal, multi-generational changes to their belief systems. With the proper nudge, I think they would snap back to reality.

These power players had a lot of pride. They thought they were the enlightened leaders of the most godly people on the most important mission in history.

Seeing themselves depicted as infamous villains would be hard for them to stomach. These men, as well as their successors and descendants, later destroyed many documents to cover up their role in the trials. All the records from the main oyer and terminer court trials were destroyed. One Boston minister’s compendium of sermons is missing all the 1692 summer sermons. A variety of letters, records, and documents from that year have disappeared.

If you could convince these prideful men that they would be forever shamed, I believe they would quickly change their behavior.

If pride and legacy weren’t enough, eternal damnation should get their attention. These Puritan leaders think I was sent by the #1 most powerful guy in the universe: God Almighty.

Honestly, I felt kind of bad being so hard on them, but I needed to speak the language they understood best: fear and reckoning.

Since they should be adequately discouraged from pursuing any witch hunting, the next step is to help them understand the girls’ terrifying afflictions. I gave them a clear medical explanation, which should remove any fear that the devil is at work.

More importantly, I gave them a viable treatment plan to heal the girls from their conversion disorder and mass psychogenic illness. Assuming the villagers followed my instructions, the girls should begin to feel better within a short time.

I wrestled with a few other ideas that may or may not work, but at the end of the day, I think this is the plan with the best chance of success. Once the power players got geared up and whipped the community into a frenzy, it would be tough to stop the hysteria.

But if you started early, scared the bejeezus out of them, and offered a simple solution to improve their difficult lives, I believe they would voluntarily take another path.

And the Salem witch trials would disappear from history.

Mass Hysteria Is Hard-Wired Into Our DNA

It’s easy to look back and judge the Puritans of Massachusetts for their foolish fear of witches.

It turns out that’s the common, first-blush, amateur perspective on the trials, as historian Marilynne K. Roach explained in episode 12 of Unobscured:

I think people generally see the Salem witch trials as something so bizarre they can’t really identify with it. That it’s something foolish people did because they didn’t know any better, they didn’t have computers, they didn’t have this, they didn’t know that, and we’re smarter than they are.

But they were educated people and well-intentioned people, who, even by the lights of their own philosophy in their own time, could have figured out that things were not proceeding as they should without converting to 21st century skepticism.

Put simply, we’re not so different from the people of Salem Village. Even though we’ve radically changed as a society, the potential for mass delusion is still with us.

In fact, that was a common thread from Unobscured’s six bonus interviews:

The Salem witch trials weren’t an inexplicable, one-time thing from the past. The underlying mechanics of mass hysteria are hard-wired into us.

The historians cited examples such as the internment of Japanese Americans during WWII, the second red scare of the 1950’s, the “Satanic Panic” of the 1990s, fear of terrorism, and more.

There are endless examples of modern-day mass hysteria. But perhaps the most appropriate is a recent mass psychogenic illness in none other than Danvers, Massachusetts, the town previously known as Salem Village:

Massachusetts Puritans once blamed witches for the trances and strange utterances of young girls in Salem Village. More than 300 years later in the same town, now called Danvers, state health officials investigated a mysterious 2012 outbreak of chronic hiccups in 24 teenagers, mostly girls, at two local high schools.

After two years of studying possible environmental factors — in the schools’ water fountains, air vents, and sports fields — the state came up with no real explanation.

A researcher in New Zealand broadly [believes it was] “psychogenic conversion disorder” — a condition typically seen in teenage girls in which psychological stress turns into real physical symptoms.

“It is very rare in the Western world and arises from long-term stress which results in disruptions to the nerves and neurons that send messages to the muscles and brain,” Bartholomew said. “Your body goes haywire: twitching, shaking, facial tics, garbled speech, trance states.”

After making public records requests for state documents, sociologist Robert Bartholomew discovered that the Massachusetts investigators had also suspected that this stigmatized disorder (once known as “mass hysteria”) was the culprit. But they never disclosed it to the public.

In 2011, a similar case occurred in Le Roy, New York, where 18 school children (mostly girls) began showing, “myriad perplexing medical symptoms including verbal outbursts, tics, seizure activity and speech difficulty.”

Mass hysteria is not a thing of the past. It seems to be persistently hard-wired into our DNA. Humans are adept at working together to identify and overcome threats. It’s that very skill that helped us rise to the top of the food chain. In some sense, perhaps mass hysteria is actually an evolutionarily advantageous adaptation. Better to all simultaneously overreact to a non-existent fear than ignore a real impending threat.

That adaptation is the spark that started the fire in Salem Village.

The Salem witch trials stay with us because they were a “perfect storm:” a mass psychogenic illness, encouraged by a group of powerful and influential leaders, and spread by a large sample of stressed-out, vulnerable people primed to partake.

Aaron Mahnke summarized it best in the closing episode of Unobscured:

We can spin the story of Salem however we want. We can look for outside forces, like illness or drug-induced hallucinations, or point to the age-old battle between superstition and science. We can invent any number of excuses.

But none of it comes close to the most obvious answer on the table: The Salem witch trials happened because humans were involved. And we have a very long track record of making a mess of things.

10 Lessons From the Salem Witch Trials

So, what are the big takeaway lessons from our deep dive into the Salem witch trials?

I came away with 10 major lessons (although I’m sure there are more):

1. Fear makes us crazy. When we become intensely afraid, people have a tendency to abandon reason and resort to extreme measures to feel safe.

2. Nothing escalates human fear faster than a threat to children. Many past and recent mass hysterias center on children that appear to be in danger.

3. Beware of mass-panic thinking. When you see frantic thinking and behavior, take a step back and sanity check the logic.

4. The mechanics of mass hysteria are hard-wired into us. We should learn to recognize when we’re participating in a chain reaction of fear.

5. In a mass hysteria event, look for people who are fanning the flames. If you can get them to stop, it should help stop the spread of fear.

6. Mass hysteria is often short lived. Once the panic reaches a peak, outside forces often intervene and help restore logic and calm.

7. When mass panic takes over, sometime it’s best to just walk away from the situation. If you can’t stop the madness, save yourself and vote with your feet until the storm passes.

8. When people are under extreme stress, it tends to come out in strange ways. There are real physical and social consequences to long-term stress.

9. People in power sometimes use their position and influence to promote their own agenda, often at the harm of others. Be skeptical of fanatical leaders who stir emotions.

10. We need a fair and objective justice system. Without one, it’s all too easy to wrongly persecute vulnerable people. And we need to not abandon that system when we get scared.

One small request: Please forward this to someone who would enjoy it. There’s an open seat by the fire :)

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Photo Credits:

Thomas Satterwhite Noble , CC BY 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Internet Archive Book Images, No restrictions, via Wikimedia Commons

Peabody Essex Museum , Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

“Giles Corey of the Salem Farms” by John W. Ehninger

Robert Calef, author/editor, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Unknown author, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Freeland A. Carter, artist, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Henrietta D. Kimball, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

unattributed, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Unknown author, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Baker, Joseph E., ca. 1837–1914, artist., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

“A Popular History of the United States” by William Cullen Bryant

Howard Pyle , Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Peabody Essex Museum , Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Amazon, Amazon, & Wikipedia

Scan by NYPL, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Baker, Joseph E., ca. 1837–1914, artist., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

The Crucible: Gary Tooze via DVDBeaver

Baker, Joseph E., ca. 1837–1914, artist., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

John Whetton Ehninger , Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Have you ever sat around the fire with thoughtful friends and had a deep and meaningful conversation that stuck with you and changed your life philosophy?

Talking around the fire with good people is magical. The sacred circle brings out thoughts, questions, stories, reflections, wonder, insights, vulnerabilities, and feelings we rarely experience in day-to-day life.

Our world is filled with too much mind-numbing noise: 24/7 advertising, divisive politics, meaningless soundbites, vapid social media, quick-fix gimmicks, and more. In our noisy and confusing world, we need a place for real, honest, vulnerable talk that can open your mind and nourish your soul.

Sitting around the fire, we leave behind the noise of life. We open our minds and hearts and talk about everything from the stars to the meaning of life. We offer and receive each other’s deepest dreams, vulnerable feelings, and meaningful stories. We drop the need for social graces. We let our guard down and tap into a deep and genuine communal connection.

It would be good if we talked…not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We shouldn’t be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable.

- Liv Ullman

We’ve all had a memorable fireside experience: circled around a woodsy campfire, or sunk into lawn chairs beside a backyard fire pit, or nestled in the sand around a beach fire, or cozied in armchairs by a living room fireplace, or bundled up next to a wood-burning stove.

You stare into the flames, deep in thought as you listen to a friend share his story. Absorbed in the fire’s flickering dance, you’re lost in a trance, your mind wandering and drifting like puffs of smoke on the wind.

Every once in a while, the crackling wood pops a burst of sparks that swim toward the sky. The pulsing bed of embers radiates a circle of warmth, heating your skin as you slowly inhale the comforting scent of wood smoke.

Sitting there, hypnotized by the flames, you half-listen to your friend across the fire, carried away on his voice, half-registering his words, yet fully understanding his meaning. Your focus weaves lazily between his story and your own drifting thoughts.

Your eyes wander to the friends seated around you as the flickering shadows dance across their faces. They look familiar, and yet oddly different, their faces transformed by the flames, their features strangely repainted with every flicker of light.

These fireside moments are sacred. They’re timeless and universal. They’re coded deep within our DNA and our souls. We started building fires 400,000 years ago, and some scientists believe communal fires sparked the rise of human culture.

Take some time to break from the noise and reflect by the fire.

One small request: Please forward this to someone who would enjoy it. There’s an open seat by the fire :)

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Please hit reply and say hello! I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels

When I was six years old, I got a vaccination shot during my annual check-up. It was terrifying and it hurt like hell.

During my visit, the doctor mentioned that I would get another booster shot when I turned 11. Given the pain and stress I had just gone through, I circled my 11th birthday in my mental calendar and began to dread its inevitable arrival.

Over the next five years, I worried about that booster shot a lot.

Sometimes, as I fell asleep at night, the thought of the needle would pop into my head and I’d jolt awake. And every time I visited a doctor, I feared they were going to surprise me with the vaccine.

When the dreaded day finally arrived, I was deeply unsettled. I worried all week leading up to the appointment, fidgeted nervously in the waiting room, and trembled as the nurse wiped alcohol on my shoulder and uncapped the shiny needle. When she finally injected me, it burned like a hornet sting from skin to bone. It was every bit as bad as I had imagined.

Fast forward 25+ years and I’ve outgrown my fear of shots. However, now I’m afraid of the dentist. Last month I was dreading an upcoming dentist appointment and it reminded me of that childhood booster shot.

Suddenly, a thought dawned on me:

I wonder how much pain and stress I suffered from worrying about the shot vs. actually getting the shot?

If you could add up all the physical and emotional pain from dreading the shot vs. getting the shot, what would that look like?

• Dreading the shot: Many hours of worry and stress. Many restless nights. Anxiety at every doctor’s visit. Internal panic before the injection.

• Getting the shot: A few seconds of sharp pain. Some lingering soreness for a day or two afterwards.

As I reflected, I realized something profound: The total cumulative pain from dreading the shot was probably 100x greater than the actual pain of getting the shot.

If you were to compare the two in a graph, it might look like this:

As I thought back, it became clear that I had created most of my pain and suffering, not the shot.

Beware of the Second Dart

As my realization sunk in, I thought back to a Buddhist concept I’d read about called “the second dart.” Here’s an explanation from Patrik Edblad:

In Buddhism, these unavoidable pains in life are known as ‘first darts.’ These are the darts life throws at us that we can’t do anything about.

But what we can do, is avoid throwing ‘second darts‘ at ourselves. These second darts are our judgments and reactions to the first darts.

For example, let’s say you get a sudden headache. This is the first dart. The second darts come in the form of your thoughts about the situation: ‘Why does this always happen to me?!’, ‘This headache is driving me crazy!!’, ‘I hate this pain!’ and so on.

Each time you buy into these thoughts you make the experience of the headache even worse. You’re putting logs on the fire. Now, it’s not just the pain from the first dart you’re experiencing; you’re also hitting yourself with a bunch of second darts that are causing you to suffer.

Put simply, getting the shot was my first dart, an unavoidable pain of life. But dreading the shot was my second dart, my own self-inflicted stress and worry about the event.

Give Yourself a “Worry Window”

As I thought back on my years of dreading the shot, I decided I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake with my upcoming dentist appointment. The pain of the event was going to be whatever it was going to be, and any additional worry wasn’t going to change that.

So I made myself a promise:

You can worry about the dentist as much as you want once you arrive at your appointment, step out of the car, and walk towards her office. But until then, you can’t think about it.

Put simply, I gave myself a very tight “worry window,” outside of which I wasn’t allowed to stress about my appointment.

This made a world of difference. Rather than losing sleep leading up to my dental visit, I just kept dismissing my fear by telling myself I was outside my “worry window.” I still worried once I arrived at the dentist’s office, but my stress was a tiny fraction of what it normally would’ve been.

Life comes with unavoidable physical and emotional pain. That seems to be a non-negotiable part of the deal.

If there’s a painful experience you’re worried about, ask yourself how much pain and stress you’re suffering as a result of your worry vs. the experience itself.

It’s probably OK to worry a little about a big pain. But try not to worry a lot about a small pain. Either way, give yourself a “worry window,” outside of which you’re not allowed to think about the pain.

Put simply: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

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I love getting lost in deep thought.

The kind of thought where you explore meaning, ponder happiness, reflect on life, and come away changed.

That’s why I created Fireside Philosophy, a free newsletter on life, love, meaning, and happiness. It’ll help you grow smarter, happier, and wiser with deep life lessons and practical words of wisdom.

It’s a place where you can step away from the stress, noise, and rush of everyday life and ponder deep ideas that make you reflect.

Below I gathered 300 deep quotes and sorted them into sections:

• Deep quotes on friendship

• Deep quotes on motivation

• Deep quotes on love

• Deep quotes on life

• Deep quotes on fear

• Deep quotes on happiness

• Deep quotes on kindness

• BONUS: The secret to a deep and meaningful life

I hope these inspire you to think deeply about the meaning and purpose in your own life.

Deep Quotes on Friendship

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C.S. Lewis

“Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart.” Washington Irving

“Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them…your smile, your hope, and your courage.” Doe Zantamata

“Have I not destroyed my enemy when I have made him into my friend?” Abraham Lincoln

“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Ernest Hemingway

“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just met.” Jim Henson

“Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” Albert Camus

“The longer I go about living, I see it’s the relationship that is most meaningful.” William Shatner

“The real test of friendship is can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?” Eugene Kennedy

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Dale Carnegie

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” Elie Wiesel

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” Anthony Robbins

“I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.” Ann Hood

“If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” Zig Ziglar

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Elbert Hubbard

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.” Arnold H. Glasgow

“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” Clifton Fadiman

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” Muhammad Ali

“Sometimes home isn’t four walls, it’s two eyes and a heartbeat.” Unknown

“A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside.” Winnie The Pooh

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung

“I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” Plutarch

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” Ed Cunningham

Deep Quotes on Motivation

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“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” Arthur Ashe

“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.” Stephen R. Covey

“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.” Dalai Lama

“Life’s real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.” Unknown

“The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” William Faulkner

“No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.” Tony Robbins

“Things don’t have to change the world to be important.” Steve Jobs

“It is only when we take chances, when our lives improve. The initial and the most difficult risk that we need to take is to become honest.” Walter Anderson.

“Stay away from those people who try to disparage your ambitions. Small minds will always do that, but great minds will give you a feeling that you can become great too.” Mark Twain.

“Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things.” Joe Paterno

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples.” Mother Teresa

“Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.” Muhammad Ali

“To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Do what you have to do until you can do what you want.” Oprah Winfrey

“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.” Bill Gates

“Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” Joshua Marine

“Success is largely a matter of holding on after others have let go.” Unknown

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

“Do not let your grand ambitions stand in the way of small but meaningful accomplishments.” Bryant H. McGill

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” Martin Luther

“Nothing is less productive than to make more efficient what should not be done at all.” Peter Drucker

“When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.” C.S. Lewis

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Abraham Maslow

“Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.” Arthur Schopenhauer

“It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” Annie Gottlier

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” M. Scott Peck

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” Florence Nightingale

“Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.” Abraham Lincoln

“Don’t use yesterday’s state of mind, to make today’s decision.” C. Nzingha Smith

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Henry David Thoreau

“Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.” Henri Louis Bergson

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” Karen Lamb

“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” W.C. Fields

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

“You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” Mary Tyler Moore

“Do you think it is better to fail at something worthwhile, or succeed at something meaningless.” Tommy Wallach

“The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.” Robert Hand

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” Peter Marshall

“The best revenge is massive success.” Frank Sinatra

“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” Seth Godin

“Success comes in cans; failure in can’ts.” Unknown

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.” Albert Schweitzer

“For success, attitude is equally as important as ability.” Harry F. Banks

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” Nora Roberts

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children… to leave the world a better place… to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.“ Groucho Marx

“We become what we think about.” Earl Nightingale

“One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a horse master. He told me to go slow to go fast. I think that applies to everything in life. We live as though there aren’t enough hours in the day but if we do each thing calmly and carefully we will get it done quicker and with much less stress.” Viggo Mortensen

“Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again.” Richard Branson

“A ship is always safe at shore but that is not what it’s built for.” Albert Einstein

“Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I’ll show you someone who has never achieved much.” Joan Collins

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.” Jim Rohn

“Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.” Lemony Snicket

“Follow effective actions with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.” Peter Drucker

“Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost legendary. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent.” Calvin Coolidge

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.” Earl Nightingale

“Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.” Stephen King

“There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed.” Ray Goforth

“Like success, failure is many things to many people. With positive mental attitude, failure is a learning experience, a rung on the ladder, and a plateau at which to get your thoughts in order to prepare to try again.” W. Clement Stone

“Much of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started.” David Allen

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism.” David M. Burns

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

“Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.” Dalai Lama

“If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend six hours sharpening my ax.” Abraham Lincoln

“Slow is smooth and smooth is fast” United States Navy Seals

“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.” Confucius

“Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” Albert Einstein

“Dreams can come true, but there is a secret. They’re realized through the magic of persistence, determination, commitment, passion, practice, focus and hard work. They happen a step at a time, manifested over years, not weeks.” Elbert Hubbard

Deep Quotes on Love

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“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” James Baldwin

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” Morrie Schwartz

“Love is a better teacher than duty.” Albert Einstein

“Don’t look for big things, just do small things with great love.” Mother Teresa

“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” Oscar Wilde

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Sometime, when you least expect it, you’ll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that will make you smile.” Homer Simpson

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Robert Heinlein

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone — we find it with another.” Thomas Merton

“Since loving is about knowing, we have more meaningful love relationships when we know each other and it takes time to know each other.” Bell Hooks

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.” Antoine de Saint Exupery

“When you adopt the viewpoint that there is nothing that exists that is not part of you, that there is no one who exists who is not part of you, that any judgment you make is self-judgment, that any criticism you level is self-criticism, you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be the light of the world.” Harry Palmer

“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” James Thurber

“Your work is discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” Buddha

“The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.” Gilbert K. Chesterton

“Love is a friendship set to music.” Joseph Campbell

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” Anais Nin

“It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“The best proof of love is trust.” Joyce Brothers

“The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge.” Bertrand Russell

“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.” Barbara De Angelis

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’” Erich Fromm

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.” Wayne Dyer

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.” Albert Ellis

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.” Paulo Coelho

“The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love.” Henry Miller

“Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.” Vincent Van Gogh

“I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.” Roy Croft

“Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.” Khalil Gibran

“You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.” Julia Roberts

Deep Quotes on Life

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“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” Stephanie Perkins

“It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.” Seneca

“I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” Anne Frank

“Look for the thing you notice but no one else notices.” Rick Rubin

“Each new chapter of our lives requests an old part of us to fall and a new part of us to rise.” Jenna Galbut

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” Albert Einstein

“The ability to influence people without irritating them is the most profitable skill you can learn.” Napoleon Hill

“The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or ever touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Prosperity is not without many fears and distastes, and adversity is not without comforts and hopes.” Francis Bacon

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” George Bernard Shaw

“Always go too far, because that’s where you’ll find the truth.” Albert Camus

“If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.” Unknown

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” Mark Twain

“When you train your eyes to see the magic and miracles in the little things, you open the door for your whole life to shift.” Carol Woodliff

“For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.” Seneca

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize we only have one.” Confucius

“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.” Lillian Dickson

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” Charles Darwin

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.” Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” Cesare Pavese

“Nature has given us all the pieces required to achieve exceptional wellness and health, but has left it to us to put these pieces together.” Diane McLaren

“It is better to have a meaningful life and make a difference than to merely have a long life.” Bryant H. McGill

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” Albert Einstein

“Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.” Bernard Baruch

“Many things grow in the garden that were never sown there.” Thomas Fuller

“Our lives improve only when we take chances…and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” Walter Anderson

“Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.” Anne Frank

“Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.” Amos Bronson Alcott

“You are only as free as you think you are and freedom will always be as real as you believe it to be.” Robert M. Drake

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” Dr Seuss

“And at the end of the day, your feet should be dirty, your hair messy and your eyes sparkling.” Shanti

“The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.” Mark Nepo

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” Mae West

“Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.” Unknown

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.” Oscar Wilde

“A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.” Lee Segall

“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” Charles Bukowski

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.” Edwin Louis Cole

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” Oscar Wilde

“When the ego dies, the soul awakes.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” Oscar Wilde

“I think you have to know who you are. Get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it.” Tori Amos

“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” Albert Einstein

“You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.” Clay P. Bedford

“When it hurts — observe. Life is trying to teach you something.” Anita Krizzan

“Don’t wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” George Bernard Shaw

“Even when we do not actively participate in our destiny, we are still on a chosen path. Life has a way of making decisions for us.” Nina Guilbeau

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain.” Unknown

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” Diane Ackerman

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Lao Tzu

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” Rumi

“Two things define you. Your patience when you have nothing & your attitude when you have everything.” Unknown

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” Leo F. Buscaglia

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” Albert Ellis

“Would you like you, if you met you?” Unknown

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.” Mandy Hale

“After every difficulty, ask yourself two questions: “What did I do right?” and “What would I do differently?” Brian Tracy

“The trouble is, you think you have time.” Buddha

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” Abraham Maslow

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Kierkegaard

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Deep Quotes on Fear

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“There are more things to alarm us than to harm us, and we suffer more often in apprehension than reality.” Seneca

“If men would consider not so much wherein they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world.” Joseph Addison

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.” Doe Zantamata

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Jim Kwik

“The beautiful thing about fear is, when you run to it, it runs away.” Robin Sharma

“Courage is knowing what not to fear.” Plato

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” Mark Twain

“It’s okay to be a little afraid, it just means you’re about to learn something.” Thibaut

“Laughter is poison to fear.” George R.R. Martin

“Fears are stories we tell ourselves.” Unknown

“You don’t need it all figured out. The more you think you do, the more you’ll procrastinate and fear moving forward. Have courage and start now, even if you start small.” Thibaut

“Being scared is fine. Not taking action is not.” Maxime Lagace

“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” Bertrand Russell

“The universe is made up of experiences that are designed to burn out our reactivity, which is our attachment, our clinging, to pain, to pleasure, to fear, to all of it.” Ram Dass

“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Rise above the storm, and you will find the sunshine.” Mario Fernandez

“You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.” Pearl S. Buck

“Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile… initially scared me to death.” Betty Bender

“Understand your fears. Face your fears. Laugh at your fears. This is the sequence to self-ownership.” Adrian Iliopoulos

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” Karl Augustus Menninger

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” Leo Buscaglia

“If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are a slave.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

“Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.” Unknown

“Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed.” Hunter S. Thompson

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“When love prevails, fear departs.” Rumi

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and looks like courage.” Brene Brown

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” Steve Jobs

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” Henry Ford

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” Katherine Henson

“Your way of thinking affects your life very deeply. So think positive and be positive.” Anurag Prakash Ray

“Fear of self is the greatest of all terrors, the deepest of all dread, the commonest of all mistakes. From it grows failure. Because of it, life is a mockery. Out of it comes despair.” David Seasbury

“Arm yourself, my heart: the thing that you must do is fearful, yet inevitable.” Euripides

Deep Quotes on Happiness

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“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” Thich Nhat Hanh

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” Tom Wilson

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.” Albert Camus

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Joseph Campbell

“Never regret something that once made you happy.” Unknown

“For every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” Omar Khayyam

“Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.” Khalil Gibran

“Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it’s there if you look deep.” Taraji P. Henson

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” Mel Brooks

“As long as the ego runs your life, there are two ways of being unhappy. Not getting what you want. Getting what you want.” Eckhart Tolle

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

“What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.” Thomas Paine

“You are the sky. Everything else — it’s just the weather.” Pema Chodron

“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.” Buddha

“The unhappy derive comfort from the misfortunes of others.” Aesop

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” Helen Keller

“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.” Albert Schweitzer

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Jack Canfield

“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” Hugh Sidey

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” R.W. Emerson

“The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.” Arthur Schopenhauer

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.” Andy Rooney

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” Epictetus

“If people did not do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.” Ludwig Wittgenstein

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” Maya Angelou

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” Thich Nhat Hanh

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.” Dr. Robert Anthony

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Epicurus

“Men spend their lives in anticipations, in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other — it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age.” Charles Caleb Colton

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” Anais Nin

“If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.” Proverb

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” Mark Twain

“Just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.” Unknown

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” Winston Churchill

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” Malcolm S. Forbes

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself — no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are — completely; the good and the bad — and make changes as YOU see fit — not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” Stacey Charter

“It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.” L.M. Montgomery

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” James Oppenheim

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” Marcel Pagnol

“Happiness is within. It has nothing to do with how much applause you get or how many people praise you. Happiness comes when you believe that you have done something truly meaningful.” Martin Yan

“If thou wilt make a man happy, add not unto his riches but take away from his desires.” Epicurus

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” Eckhart Tolle

“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” Joseph Campbell

“The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Stephen Furtick

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” Soren Kierkegaard

“It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up — that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Deep Quotes on Kindness

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“A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.” Henrik Ibsen

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” Aesop

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” Kahlil Gibran

“Sometimes it takes only one act of kindness and caring to change a person’s life.” Jackie Chan

“Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It’s the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else’s pain is as meaningful as your own.” Barbara Kingsolver

“I’ve been searching for ways to heal myself, and I’ve found that kindness is the best way.” Lady Gaga

“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.” Kahlil Gibran

“A letter from the heart can be read on the face.” Kenyan proverb

“Kindness does wonderful things to a face.” Dixie Doyle

“Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind.” Eric Hoffer

“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” Princess Diana

“As the rain falls on the just and unjust alike, let your heart be untroubled by judgments and let your kindness rain down on all.” Buddha

“Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It’s like medicine — very healing.” Max Irons

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” Audrey Hepburn

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” Winston Churchill

“The kindest hearts have felt the most pains.” Unknown

“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.” Abraham Joshua Heschel

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” Jesse Jackson

“If you want to be a rebel, be kind.” Pancho Ramos Stierle

“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.” Bob Kerrey

“Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” James Matthew Barrie

The Secret to a Deep and Meaningful Life

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After many years of reading and study, I realized something profound:

The secret to a deep and meaningful life is to regularly take small moments to reflect on your own purpose, meaning, and happiness.

Too many of us charge ahead, day after day, without pausing to consider what it all means. It’s like living with blinders on, and it leads to burnout, regret, and a missed chance for deeper understanding.

There’s a better way, and it’s actually quite simple:

1. Regularly get exposure to new ideas, deep thoughts, and practical wisdom.

2. Pause to reflect on what those deep ideas mean for your own life.

If you do this regularly, you’ll live a much happier, more successful, more meaningful life. (Probably a longer life too!)

The problem is, too many people make this a once-in-a-while thing. They only reflect when they’re facing a big life moment. It needs to be a regular habit.

That’s why I created Fireside Philosophy.

It’s a place where you can get life lessons, thought-provoking questions, inspiring stories, and practical words of wisdom that make you reflect and change how you look at life.

And it’s all delivered directly to your inbox, 100% free.

Here are a few examples of recent posts:

• How to Make a Smart Decision You Won’t Regret

• Waiting for Love’s Alignment

• What I Learned From Going on 100+ First Dates Before Meeting My Soulmate

• How a “Worry Window” Can Stop Your Nagging Anxiety

I regularly share the kind of ideas, stories, insights, questions, and life philosophies you might discover during a deep conversation around the fire with thoughtful friends.

So take a moment to break from the noise and come reflect by the fire.

It’ll make you a smarter, happier, wiser person.

Nearly 10 years ago, I began a simple practice that forever changed how I make big decisions. My life was at a major crossroads, so I wrote an in-depth journal entry about my situation. Without realizing it, I had created a decision journal.

A decision journal is a journal entry where you write about your current situation, examine your options from all sides, spell out which path you’re choosing, and explain why.

Think of it as you interviewing yourself about a big decision, right as you’re about to make that big decision.

It only takes a few hours per decision, and most people don’t average more than one big decision per year. As far as habits go, it’s hard to imagine a practice that delivers more bang for your buck.

It sounds simple, but it’s actually incredibly powerful.

I started using a decision journal 10 years ago because two big decisions in my life hit at the same time:

• Should I break up with my girlfriend of two years? My breakup decision journal was short, less than half a page of raw, unfiltered emotions driving my desire to move on.

• Should I shut down my struggling startup? My startup decision journal was much more thorough. It spanned eight pages and included many personal, professional, and health considerations, as well as some light financial analysis and forecasting.

Although very different, both of my original decision journals had an enormous impact on my life for many years to come.

The Benefits of a Decision Journal

Having relied on a decision journal for those first two big decisions, and many more since, I’ve found it helps me improve in three major ways:

Consider the situation from all sides

The act of documenting the thinking behind your big decision causes you to consider the situation from all sides. This leads to better decisions.

Especially when deciding if I should shut down my startup, I found myself almost scenario planning by writing out, “what if I did this?” or “what if I did that?” and then forecasting how each of those paths would play out.

The more angles you consider, the more likely you’ll make a smart choice with a good outcome.

Remind yourself why you made the decision that you did

Regardless of the outcome, I have a tendency to second guess myself after I make a decision. I often look back and wonder if I made a mistake.

For example, I looked back on the decision journal for my breakup during many dark and lonely nights when I was thinking, “I never should’ve left her, that was a huge mistake.” Reading that journal reminded me just how unhappy and unsettled I really felt, and renewed my confidence in my decision-making skills and new life direction. That was huge for me.

Over time, the details of life’s big moments tend to fade and there are a range of psychological biases that creep in and obscure how we truly felt at the time. A decision journal preserves both your situation and your thought process so that you can objectively remember how things really were.

Improve your decision-making skills over time

After some time has passed, you can look at how things played out and compare it to what you expected when you wrote your decision journal.

When I decided to shut down my startup, one of the biggest deciding factors was that I believed from now on I wanted a healthy, balanced lifestyle more than I wanted a big, successful startup. That forecast turned out to be spot on. I look back now and see that introspective thinking was hugely valuable in making a decision that turned out to be right. Now I always try to pit competing priorities against each other to see which I value more.

On the other hand, when I decided to break up with my girlfriend, one of the reasons was that she didn’t appreciate the art of TV and film like I did. As I’ve grown and matured, I now see that was a shallow reason to end the relationship (it wasn’t the only reason). Now when I make decisions, I’m careful to scrutinize such surface-level reasoning.

A decision journal allows you to look back and grade your decision-making process against the reality of how things played out. Over time, you’ll improve your thinking skills and make better decisions.

How to Use a Decision Journal

There’s really no right or wrong way to write a decision journal. Most importantly, do it in a way that will keep your interest and lead to a recurring habit. 

I don’t do a journal for every little decision. Instead, I find it more powerful to capture just the big moments in life.

Here are a few strategies you might consider for your decision journal:

Capture all the angles you’re considering

This could be pros and cons, scenario planning, or just your conflicted feelings. Be thorough here — the whole point is to make a good decision, which requires exploring the issue from all sides.

Document your main assumptions

Capturing the “facts” driving your decision will illuminate which beliefs are underpinning your decision-making process. Also, it’s fascinating to look back and see which assumptions were right and wrong.

Write how you’re feeling at the time

This will remind you of your mental and emotional mindset during the decision, which helps you both remember what it felt like and analyze how your emotions played into your decision.

Consider the possible outcomes

Explore how you expect things to play out for various different decision paths. This is one of my favorite parts, as it’s fascinating to compare my forecast to what actually happens.

Reread before finalizing your decision

Don’t worry about polishing your journal from a proofreading perspective (it’s likely no one will ever see it). Instead, make sure the journal entry accurately and completely captures the situation and your decision. Here’s my usual approach: Read. Let simmer. Revise. Repeat 3+ times.

Review soon after deciding 

I find it valuable to review my journal entry soon after putting my decision into action. This helps me stress test my assumptions and logic, and see if things are playing out as I expected before I’m too far down my decision path. If I was majorly wrong about something, it may not be too late to change course.

Review long after the dust has settled

Long after I’ve made my decision and the situation has played out, I like to go back and grade my decision-making skills. This helps me make better life decisions going forward.

Most importantly, find an approach that works for you. Don’t worry about the format — it can be stream of consciousness, a self interview, a thoughtful collection of considerations, or a well-organized and analytical report (for example, see this template from Farnham Street).

As long as you capture your situation, logic, feelings, and decision, you’ve hit the important stuff. Most of the value of the decision journal is in the process, not the final product.

Keeping a decision journal around big life moments has become a mandatory practice for me. It helps me make a fully informed decision, prevents me from second guessing my choices, and improves my decision-making skills over time.

Decision journaling is a rare practice that takes very little time but pays huge dividends both now and in the future.

Give it a try next time you’re facing a major crossroads.

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It took me over 10 years and 100 first dates to find my wife.

The search was a painfully long process. I quickly grew tired of chatting on dating websites and apps, putting on my happy face for an endless string of first dates, and playing the awkward follow-up guessing game.

For me, the hardest part wasn’t the waiting, it was the uncertainty. As I watched the months and years slip away I wondered, What if I never find her? What if I end up alone? If an omniscient voice had gently whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry, you’ll meet her in 10 years,” I wouldn’t have worried. But the only voices I heard were self-doubt and fear.

During one particularly rough stretch, I wondered why it was taking so long to find the right person. I was going on plenty of first dates (two each week), but none of them felt right. Am I being too picky? Am I doing something wrong?

Then, I had a spark of insight…it’s taking so long because I’m waiting for The Alignment.

I grabbed a sheet of paper and jotted down this simple formula for when soulmates meet:

The right person meets the right person, at the right time, in the right place.

It almost seems obvious, but baked into that simple formula there are so many things that have to go right.

Each individual piece of the formula is like a solitary planet revolving around the sun. And it takes a rare, once-in-a-lifetime moment for all five planets to align.

The right person | meets | the right person | at the right time | in the right place.

The Right Person

This is who you’re looking for. Everybody has a uniquely different vision for “Mr. or Mrs. Right” and the more picky you are the fewer people will qualify.

I’m pretty picky. My partner “wish list” was two pages long. So right off the bat I was searching for a tiny sliver of the population.

Meets

You have to actually meet the person before you can have a future together. So at some point you have to be introduced, connect online, bump elbows at a bar, or collide in a book shop.

As a busy introvert, I relied heavily on online dating, so I knew my future partner would have to be on the same dating apps. Even if she lived next door, I never would’ve said hello.

The Right Person

This is you — the “Mr. or Mrs. Right” your future partner is searching for. In order for there to be a match, your partner has to be passionately attracted to the unique package you offer. In other words, you have to align with his or her partner “wish list.”

At the Right Time

You and your future partner both have to be ready for each other. That might mean you’re both single, you’re both the right age, or you’re both finally ready to settle down.

It’s different for every couple. But the point is that even people who are perfect for each other can meet at the wrong time. In my experience, timing matters.

In the Right Place

You both have to be in the same place to have any chance of meeting. If the “meets” part of the alignment is the moment you first connect, then this is what puts you in the same city, neighborhood, street, building, and room.

So imagine the whole formula in action…

Two rare and unique people — who happen to be a perfect fit for each other’s picky “wish list” — are both looking for each other at the same time, in the same place, and they actually meet.

That’s The Alignment.

It’s the incredibly rare moment when it all comes together.

Whether you believe in fate, God, magic, simulations, or nothing, it’s hard to deny the serendipity of such a fleeting harmony.

Finding your moment takes faith, patience, and the wisdom to recognize when it arrives.

And to be honest, I’m not sure everyone gets their moment. I think some people bow out before their alignment comes along. And I understand why. It’s hard to wait.

In 2008, as I was just beginning my long and winding dating journey, I was already ready for it to end. I was coming off a string of crummy first dates and emailed a friend venting my frustration.

She sent me back this advice:

“Try not to get too down on yourself. It’s really hard not to feel bad, or feel like you’re doing something wrong. But honestly, it’s the people that sacrifice, that don’t settle, that keep searching and dreaming, that are successful in the end. It’s true in life, and I believe it’s also true in love. You’ll get there. Perseverance and steady patience.”

Exactly 10 years later, on a hopeful spring day, I stepped into a coffee shop, introduced myself to my future wife, and began my last first date.

I never thought my alignment would take so long. But trust me, it was worth the wait.

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I went on over 100 first dates before I met my wife.

I tried dating services from Match, OkCupid, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Tinder, The League, Happn, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Jdate, Yahoo Personals, Three Day Rule, and speed dating (once).

During my dating journey, I met some exceptional women and had some wonderful relationships. But none of them felt quite right. Somewhere along the way, I decided I wasn’t going to settle. I was going to find the perfect person for me.

When I finally met my wife, I was in my mid-30’s, active on eight different dating apps, and going on 2–5 dates every week.

I’ve had some time to reflect on what I learned along the way, which boiled down to these 30 lessons on dating, love, and life, as evidenced by my own experience.

1. Know who you are and what you bring to the table.

Understanding your own strengths, weaknesses, preferences, and personality traits will help you find the right partner. Half the challenge of falling in love is finding the person who thinks you’re perfect just the way you are.

It took a while for me to accept it, but I’ll never be the tall, dark, and handsome type. I’m not fun-loving, adventurous, spontaneous, or exciting. I can’t light up a room or impress a crowd with a hilarious joke.

However, I’m pretty smart and successful. I have high emotional intelligence and strong communication skills. I’m a great listener, a loyal and attentive partner, and a highly reliable person.

Once I developed an honest sense of who I was and what I offered, it was much easier to find women who valued the things that make me who I am.

I found personality tests, such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, to be a huge help in understanding myself. I also read a great book on dating, Why Him? Why Her? (affiliate link), which helped me focus on my strengths.

Understanding who you are will not only give you deeper self-knowledge, it’ll help you find a partner who’s buying exactly what you’re selling.

2. Create a list for your dream partner.

Think about the important things you’re looking for in an ideal partner and write them all down as a list. What do they look like physically? What are their biggest strengths? How do they spend their free time? What do they do for work? Passions? Education? Family? Location?

The longer and more detailed your list, the better you know yourself. If your list is too short and too vague, it’s a sign you don’t really know what you want.

A long list is good not because it has so many requirements, but because it has rich and passionate details about the things you’re looking for. But be careful not to make it so long and detailed that you’re describing someone who likely doesn’t exist.

For example, it’s better to have five details about your ideal partner’s intense passion for the arts than list five different complex skills he’s mastered. The first says, “I clearly need a partner who cares about the arts as much as I do.” The second says, “I want an impossible superman.”

Paint a complete picture of what you’re looking for in a partner, but focus on the important stuff and be flexible on the rest.

Your list will act as your map and compass on your dating journey. It’ll focus your energy on people that are a good fit, and will give you the confidence you’re headed in the right direction.

Once I wrote my list, it really focused my dating. I went on fewer dates and they all started to feel like the right type of person for me. My list gave me the confidence to say, “This is what I want and I’m getting close.”

3. Be honest: How picky are you?

When it comes to love, we’re all kind of picky. I mean, who wants to settle?

There’s nothing wrong with being picky when looking for your partner. But, keep in mind that the more particular you are, the more time and effort it will take to find your special someone.

Somewhere along the way, I realized I was pretty picky. So I prepared myself emotionally that it could take a while. In the end, I didn’t meet my wife until my mid-30s, after going on over 100 first dates. Interestingly, she turned out to be an INFJ, which is one of the rarest Myers-Briggs personality types, representing less than 1% of the total population.

Here are two quick litmus tests for how picky you are:

• Think about your ideal partner: How often do you see someone matching that description in your world?

• Look at your personal life: Are you close with many different people, or do you have a small group of carefully picked friends?

There’s no right or wrong level of pickiness. It’s a personal choice. Just be honest about how picky you really are.

4) Get your stuff together and become the best version of you.

We all have baggage, bad habits, hangups, and stuff we’re working through. That’s an ongoing part of life. Now is the perfect time to address your issues so they don’t disrupt your future relationships.

I once went on a first date with a brilliant woman who clearly had an unhealthy relationship with money. I decided to steer clear. Similarly, I watched a good friend with a drinking problem chase away a series of promising girlfriends.

I’ll never forget the disgusted look on my date’s face when I stumbled into a coffee shop 10 minutes late, red-faced and out of breath, with mud and snow spattered all over my rumpled pants. It was a wake-up call that I needed to get my stressful career under control.

Don’t let your baggage be a red flag in your next relationship. Work on becoming the best version of yourself today, so that when the right person comes along, you’re ready.

5. Find the right dating channel for you.

There are many places to meet new people: work, school, worship, volunteering, clubs, bars, parties, dating apps, and more.

The key is to find the dating channel that’s the best fit for you. In my experience, you should look for these two elements:

• What channels have a large collection of my potential people?

• What channels bring out my best self?

For example, I started my dating journey trying to meet women in city bars. It was a total disaster. Not only was I deeply uncomfortable in the high-energy pickup scene, but there were very few introverts like me out partying. My nights always ended with no phone numbers and no self-confidence.

When I finally tried online dating, with its focus on quality matchmaking and honest conversation, I knew instantly it was the perfect fit. Unlike the bar scene, I could line up promising dates with ease.

If you’re an extroverted party person, bars might be your perfect channel. If religion is your top priority, maybe you should focus on your place of worship. Just make sure you’re putting your time and energy into a channel that will work for you.

6. Always say yes to a good date.

If finding love is a top priority for you, then dating should be a top priority. Yes, dating can be tiring, expensive, and frustrating. But you have to keep showing up.

My rule was simple: If I had a promising date, I would be there in body, mind, and spirit. It didn’t matter if I was tired, busy, or over my monthly budget — I always showed up when it mattered.

Without this rule, my wife and I wouldn’t have met. She had been considering taking a break from dating and almost canceled our first date because she was tired. When I asked her out on a second date, she said yes on the spot, even though she already had dinner plans with her friend (who supportively rescheduled).

You never know if the next date could be the one. So if you spot a promising date, find a way to make it happen.

7. Each online dating service attracts a different type of person.

After trying over a dozen different online dating websites and apps, I realized they each tend to draw in a certain type of member. For example, eHarmony attracted an older, commitment-minded crowd. Coffee Meets Bagel attracted well-educated members. And Tinder attracted a care-free hookup crowd.

You’ll find each service has a distinct culture and community, which means some are a better fit than others for you. For example, I rarely got a date on Bumble, but my exact same profile on Coffee Meets Bagel easily attracted many dates.

Make sure you find the right pond to fish in. It’ll make a big difference.

8. Try multiple online dating services.

There are many dating services to choose from, so don’t pick just one and miss out on all the interesting people using others.

I’d recommend joining 1–3 mainstream services with large membership bases (access to the largest population of potential dates), plus 1–2 niche services that draw in the specific type of person you’re looking for.

I was on eight different apps when I met my wife, who was on two of my eight apps. You don’t have to be on eight apps if that feels overwhelming (trust me, it does). But if you’re on just one you’re probably missing out on some great people.

9. You have to fly your flag.

On dating profiles, people tend to play it safe. They say very little, appeal to common interests, and keep things general. My single friends used to joke that all profiles said the same thing: “I like fun, laughing, and pizza.”

A generic profile is one notch better than a blank profile. Everyone likes fun. Everyone likes laughing. Most people like pizza. After reading that, I have zero idea of what the person is like. On your profile, you need to do the opposite. Don’t try to fit in. Try to stand out.

When I started online dating, I tried to fit in and appeal to a broad audience. I said things like, “I love good food” and “I enjoy a fun weekend getaway.” I found I was attracting the wrong type of women and striking out with the women who seemed like a great match.

Finally, I got so frustrated I thought: I don’t care who I turn off. I’m just going to be who I am. I’m going to fly my flag. So I rewrote my entire profile to highlight things about me that were unique and specific. I said things like, “I enjoy a Saturday night curled up on the couch with a good thriller novel” and “I’m not much of a drinker, but I love a good cup of tea.”

Such statements were intentionally divisive. They turned away the party people and gave the introverts butterflies. Plus, they showed that I was self-aware and confident in who I was and what I wanted. Once I started to fly my flag, I found it easier to get dates and the people I met were much more like me.

You have to proudly fly your flag. Paint an interesting, authentic, and detailed picture of who you are that will act as a beacon for the type of person you want to attract. Don’t be afraid to say who you are, what you want, and what you don’t want. If you have deal-breakers or distinct interests, find a positive way to share them. But be nice, you don’t want to come across as difficult or rude.

Be clear about who you are and what you’re looking for. Not only will this authenticity turn away poor matches, but it’ll resonate with the people you want to attract. And this philosophy should carry over from your profile into your dates.

Dating is not the place to please everyone. It’s the place to find the right person for you. So write for your future partner, not for the masses.

10. Build a dating funnel and keep it full.

Anyone who’s worked in sales, marketing, or recruiting knows you have to build a prospect funnel: Draw in lots of unqualified candidates at the top of your funnel, and apply a series of screening steps to whittle them down to just a few highly qualified candidates at the bottom.

It’s the same concept with online dating. Your goal is to whittle a large pool of unqualified profiles down to a few highly qualified first dates.

For example, your dating funnel might look like this:

• Total number of active profiles

• % that meet your filter criteria

• % that you read and find interesting

• % that you contact

• % that find you interesting

• % that contact you back

• % that agree to a first date

• % you actually meet for a first date

Here’s the thing to remember: The more strict your screening criteria at each level, the more people you need to put into the top of the funnel to have high-quality dates come out the bottom.

For example, to find ten interesting people to message, I would often go through 100 profiles. And only about 10% of women I reached out to actually wrote me back. So after sending ten messages, I’d probably get one response. That one response led to a first date maybe half the time.

My goal was to consistently have 1–2 quality dates drop from my dating funnel each week. That required me to browse 200 profiles, send 20 messages, and chat with two women just to get one good date.

Your numbers could be higher or lower. It depends on many different factors. The point is if you want a steady stream of good dates, you have to do the hard work of browsing, contacting, and chatting with many prospects every week.

11. Don’t fall in love with a profile.

Early in my dating journey, I’d sometimes get emotionally invested in someone before we even met. I’d flip excitedly through her pictures, exchange cute messages, and nurture a growing feeling that she could be the one.

This almost always ended in disappointment. Real-life people tend to be different from their dating profiles. Sometimes it’s in a good way (e.g., they’re more passionate than you expected) and sometimes it’s in a bad way (e.g., their pictures are ten years old). Try to get to a first date quickly so you can find out if there’s something real there.

In my experience, it’s better to line up quality dates without investing too much emotion, and then show up in person with an open mind and open heart.

12. Online dating can be overwhelming.

From the moment you start online dating, you get a steady stream of messages, notifications, matches, promotions, alerts, tips, and more. It can be overwhelming. And the more dating services you use, the more noise you have to deal with.

Don’t let it discourage you. The key is to apply good matching criteria to filter out all the people you’re definitely not interested in so you can focus on the most promising candidates. This will greatly reduce the incoming volume while simultaneously increasing its quality.

Don’t feel like you need to respond to every alert. Just focus on the people who stand out.

13. When you get tired, don’t take a break.

I watched several friends go through their own dating journeys, and I noticed an interesting phenomenon: They’d date for a few months, get worn out and discouraged, and decide to “take a break from dating” and delete their dating profile.

I never agreed with that approach. I know dating can be a long, hard road. But don’t take yourself off the market. You could miss out on your moment of alignment.

Instead, raise your bar. Be a little pickier and go on fewer dates. That way you get a break, but you’re still on the market, and the few dates you go on will be high quality.

Whenever I wanted to take a break, I always revisited this quote from Ovid:

“Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.”

14. Learn to be a good conversationalist.

In my opinion, the key to a good first date is a good conversation. Sure, other things, like having fun, matter too. But the ultimate goal of the first date is to decide: Is there enough potential here to see this person again in a longer, more intimate setting?

Good conversation will help you confidently answer that question. Plus it will make a positive impression on your date. Not only will you learn about your potential partner, but they’ll love your thoughtful questions and witty banter.

The art of good conversation isn’t that hard to learn. There are a ton of educational resources available online. If you simply ask interesting questions, listen carefully to the answers, and ask thoughtful follow-ups, you’ll be 80% of the way towards being a great conversationalist.

15. Beware of people who don’t listen.

Every once in a while, I’d come across a non-stop talker. Someone who wasn’t interested in learning about me, but instead enjoyed being the center of the conversation for the entire date.

I’ll never forget I once sat through a two-hour dinner and my date never asked a single question about me. Not one.

If someone doesn’t ask you any questions, it’s a huge red flag that suggests five important things:

1. They lack some basic social and communication skills.

2. They’re not that interested in learning about you.

3. They have a self-centered worldview.

4. They’re not good at taking feedback, or they would’ve outgrown this bad habit by now.

5. They’ve surrounded themselves with friends or family who are also weak communicators.

To be fair, this could be my personal preference. You may enjoy listening or having the spotlight on someone else the entire time. But personally, I’d beware of anyone who shows up to a first date and doesn’t try to learn anything about their date.

16. Learn to read people using psychological profiles.

Even though everyone is unique, people often display a constellation of personality traits that fit neatly into known psychological profiles.

For example, I examined my closest friends and my best past relationships and found they were all different flavors of the INFJ personality type on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. After researching INFJ’s, I realized this extremely rare personality had distinctive traits and behaviors I could look for in potential dates. I also realized there were several personality types I clashed with, and I learned to spot their traits and behaviors too.

There are many ways to analyze people. Myers-Briggs worked well for me, but you might find luck with the Enneagram personality model, astrological signs, or something else.

If you look closely, you’ll see people come in patterns. Use that to your advantage by figuring out which patterns work for you and which don’t.

17. If you listen carefully, people will tell you who they are.

Over 100+ dates, I learned how to listen. I mean really listen. I learned that if you watch closely, people will show you who they really are.

Here’s an extreme, but memorable, example that has always stuck in my mind:

I was grabbing drinks with a fun, high-energy woman who worked in the nursing field (let’s call her Jane). After a half-hour, the conversation turned to a classic first date topic: pets. She told me she loves dogs and HATES cats. It went something like this:

“I don’t understand how anyone could ever like a cat,” Jane said.

I laughed, shifted uncomfortably on my barstool, and said, “Well, I’m a huge animal lover, so I enjoy both dogs and cats. I think maybe the reason ‘cat people’ like cats is because they’re a quirky blend of affectionate and mischievous. But I totally understand why they’re not for everyone.”

Jane stared at me for a moment, her mouth twisted in an expression of disgust, and said, “Yeah I don’t get how anyone could ever like a cat. They’re awful.”

Baked into that little exchange was a huge red flag about our communication styles. In under 30 seconds, Jane told me seven important things:

• She’s outspoken about her opinions.

• She has inflexible opinions on relatively minor issues.

• She doesn’t consider opposing perspectives well.

• She never considered that I could be a cat lover before saying she hates cats.

• She doesn’t seem open to considering new information, preferring to simply restate her own original opinion.

• She doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to at least acknowledge my theory on why some people like cats.

• She’s not particularly concerned with making a negative impression on me just 30 minutes into our first date.

Now, I’m not trying to rip on Jane. She was a great person. But those insights strongly suggested we had an incompatible communication style, which was a dealbreaker for me. And she probably felt the same way about me. I’m sure she’s a great fit for someone, just not for me.

Usually, it’s not that obvious. But watch how people act to learn how they think. It’s like being a detective: What can you see on a first, second, or third date that will tell you if this person would be a good life partner for you?

18. Dating coaches can help you improve.

Your goal shouldn’t be to become the world’s best dater. It should be to find the right person for you ASAP. That said, if your rough dating skills are getting in the way of finding the right person, it’s worth doing some work to improve.

Dating coaches can help write your profile, take pictures, set up dates, improve your conversation skills, and more. And if you’re constantly striking out and you can’t figure out why, they can help you find your blind spots.

Halfway through my dating journey, I hired a dating coach to help improve my profile. It was expensive, but it made a huge difference. After that, I regularly got compliments on how genuine and funny my profile was.

Be honest: Are there major weak spots in your dating game that are holding you back from meeting the one? If so, you might consider asking a dating coach for help.

19. Trust your gut.

It’s important to listen to your gut when making big dating decisions. When I look back at some of my rocky relationships that lasted a few months, but ultimately didn’t work out, I can attribute the failure to red flags I spotted early on but chose to ignore. I wish I had trusted my gut.

Similarly, there were certain partners who seemed great on paper but when it came time to take our relationship to the next level, something in my gut screamed, “No!”. I’m sure there was a good reason.

Your gut shouldn’t be your sole decision-maker. But it should have a very important voice at the table.

20. Don’t trust your gut.

Watch out: Sometimes untrustworthy voices pretend to be your gut.

For example, I’ve heard friends declare, “My gut says I shouldn’t date him because he’s not tall enough.” Or, “My gut says I need a woman who’s extremely well-educated.”

Those things might be gut-verified deal-breakers, which is totally fine. But sometimes our ego will masquerade as our gut, acting as a voice of vanity rather than a voice of wisdom.

Always listen to your gut. But interrogate it a bit to make sure it’s not your ego in disguise.

21. Don’t get distracted by shiny objects.

When it comes to dating, we all have a weak spot, a guilty pleasure, a shiny object that can lure us in. Maybe you’re a sucker for an attractive body, a lot of money, or an impressive academic pedigree.

Be careful. Such siren songs rarely have lasting power. Once the excitement of your shiny object wears off, you’re left with the real person underneath. Trust in your list to keep you focused on what truly matters.

22. Don’t put too much focus on physical attraction.

There’s no denying it — a huge part of dating is physical attraction. We rely on profile pictures and side glances as our first decision criteria on whether someone is worth talking to.

You can’t ignore physical attraction. It’s a core part of love’s formula. But be careful not to weight it too heavily. Our bodies tend to fade over time, so you can bet those smoking-hot biceps won’t look the same in 20 years. At the same time, attraction tends to grow over time when you find the right person and experience life together.

There needs to be a baseline level of physical attraction before you move forward with someone. That said, putting all your eggs in the “hot bod” basket is probably a bad bet.

23. Love at first sight is a lie.

From a young age, Hollywood teaches us the first time we see our soulmate they’ll be surrounded by an angelic light, laughing in slow motion, and tossing back their windswept hair.

This is a bad soulmate test. At best, such take-your-breath-away moments are signs of physical attraction, not soul connection. Sorry, but the way she sparkles across the room has nothing to do with how compatible you guys are.

To be fair, love at first sight may work out for some people. But I’d guess that’s mostly luck. Focus on connecting where it matters, not on their radiant light.

24. Focus on how you feel.

It can be hard to know if your date is a good fit after just a few hours together. Is there long-term potential here? Should I go on a second date?

One of the best tests I’ve found is actually pretty simple: How does it feel when you’re together?

It should feel natural, easy, fun, relaxed, and strangely familiar. It should feel sort of like being around friends and family. It should feel like you already know them. It should leave you wanting more. That’s a sign your authentic selves are compatible.

I actually made a list of how I feel when I’m with my best friends and family, and I looked for shades of that same feeling when on my dates.

There’s a misconception that love should be hard work. I disagree. If it’s hard work on your first few dates, something is wrong. Instead, look for an easy, genuine, and familiar connection.

25. If you can’t say yes, the answer is no.

After a few good dates with someone, a natural question starts to arise: Should I stop meeting new people and date this person exclusively?

It’s a tough question, and the answer likely falls under that squishy category, “When you know, you know.”

When I was facing such a situation, I used a simple rule: If you can’t say yes, the answer is no.

In other words, if you’re not excited enough about this person to confidently say, “Yes, I want us to be exclusive,” then you’re probably not ready to escalate the relationship.

26. If it’s not right, you have to move on.

Dating is a test drive for a long-term relationship. Both parties go in with an open mind and open heart, genuinely hoping things will work out. Usually, they don’t, and that’s OK.

Once you know the relationship isn’t going to last, you have to move on. It’s not fair to waste your time or your partner’s time if the match has no future. Don’t drag them along, be vague about how you feel, or hang around to enjoy a warm bed.

Breakups are hard, but once you see the writing on the wall, you have to be honest. The sooner you both move on, the sooner you’ll find that special someone searching for you.

27. Rejection is a painful gift.

Dating can be rough. You’re going to reject some dates, and some dates are going to reject you.

Rejection comes in many forms. Most dates will just stop communicating once they lose interest (known as “ghosting”), while others may tell you directly they’re not feeling it. Some may even stand you up and skip out on a planned date (this only happened to me once, thankfully).

Regardless of what form it takes, rejection hurts. But if you can look past the pain, you’ll see it’s actually a gift. It saves you a ton of time, money, and energy. Your date is telling you loud and clear: “We’re not a fit.” And if they feel that way after just a few dates, a full-blown relationship almost certainly won’t work out.

Also, it’s critical to look for themes in your rejections. Do you keep striking out with similar people? Is there something you’re doing that’s turning them off? Look past the pain and try to improve for your next date.

Don’t take it personally. It’s part of the game. Even though it doesn’t feel good, your date is giving you a clear-cut answer which allows you to put your precious time and energy into something better.

28. Prepare yourself: It could be a long, hard road.

Finding true love is a process that can’t be rushed without compromising quality. Meeting the right person requires almost-magical serendipity, or what I call “The Alignment.”

My dating journey, which lasted well into my 30’s, took way longer than I ever expected. There were many frustrating stretches where I felt like I couldn’t keep looking, not knowing I still had many years and dates ahead before I’d finally meet my wife. At moments, dating felt like a part-time job, a depressing grind, and a cross to bear. It’s hard to feel alone.

Early in my dating journey, every little bump and bruise hurt. Over time, my skin thickened. That made the ups and downs easier, but it also made me cynical and hardened my heart. Searching unsuccessfully for love for years on end takes something from you. It steals some of the magic of falling in love and turns it into hard work.

I hope you find your soulmate tomorrow. But if it takes a while, don’t let it get you down and don’t settle. Have patience and have faith that your special someone is worth a hard journey. It’s more important to get it right than to get it right now.

29. Learn and grow through experience.

If you’re new to dating and relationships, you’re probably going to need some on-the-job learning.

It’ll take a few dates and relationships before you figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. You’ll learn about people, partners, what makes you tick, and what makes others tick. The more experience you gather, the wiser you’ll be, and the closer you’ll come to finding your special someone.

I look back at some early dating partners I walked away from and see they were actually a good fit for me. And I look back at other relationships I fought hard to keep alive and see the fit was totally wrong from the start. Put simply, I made many, many mistakes along the way.

Love, much like life, is a winding road. You have to live it to learn it. Try not to look at the inevitable twisting and turning as a failure or wasted time. It’s wisdom and life experience. It’s your one-and-only journey to find love.

30. Nobody’s perfect. But are they perfect for you?

I dated for a long time. Along the way, people would often say, “You know, nobody’s perfect!”

I hated that. It felt like their condescending way of saying, “Stop being picky and settle like the rest of us!”

After a long dating journey with a very happy ending, I’d like to offer my own version: “Nobody’s perfect. But you can find someone perfect for you.”

I’ve observed that every partnership has its friction points. Looking for a relationship with zero friction is a bad strategy. There will always be little things that don’t quite align.

That said, if you look hard enough, I think you absolutely can find someone who is a perfect fit for you. That means you align where it matters most.

Focus on the important stuff, and let the little stuff fade away.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Steve Jobs’ famous Stanford speech. These words kept me going through many dark nights:

If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

One small request: Please forward this to someone who would enjoy it. There’s an open seat by the fire :)

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