How the "Golden Question" Tells You Which Relationships Really Matter
How the "Golden Question" Tells You Which Relationships Really Matter
Are you a Giver or a Taker?
Last month, I was at a wedding and the maid of honor said something profound in her wedding toast. She looked at the bride (her best friend) and as tears welled up in her eyes, she said:
I believe you can judge someone’s character by how they make you feel. And I always feel like my best self when I’m with you.
That idea has been echoing in my mind for the last month. There are so many ways to judge a person in your life: You can look at how fun, kind, generous, interesting, or supportive they are. And those are all valuable qualities.
But the question, “How do I feel when we’re together?” is so simple and fundamental that I think it deserves a special status.
I propose we call it the “Golden Question.”
Let’s look at how to apply the Golden Question in your own life, starting with a quick refresher on its famous cousin: the Golden Rule.
Remember the Golden Rule?
The Golden Rule is one of the most fundamental rules of human coexistence:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
It’s actually kind of mind-blowing how universal and timeless the Golden Rule really is:
The idea dates at least to the early Confucian times (551–479 BCE), according to Rushworth Kidder, who identifies that this concept appears prominently in Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism, and “the rest of the world’s major religions.”
143 leaders of the world’s major faiths endorsed the Golden Rule as part of the 1993 “Declaration Toward a Global Ethic”. According to Greg M. Epstein, it is “a concept that essentially no religion misses entirely”, but belief in God is not necessary to endorse it.
Simon Blackburn also states that the Golden Rule can be “found in some form in almost every ethical tradition”.
The Golden Rule is a transcendent concept because of how simple, powerful, universal, and timeless it is. And I think our Golden Question checks all the same boxes.
Meet the Golden Question
The Golden Question is a simple litmus test to judge how you treat others:
“How do you make someone feel when you’re together?”
From what I’ve observed, there are two levels on which you make someone feel good or bad when you’re together:
Experience Level: What was their emotional state during your time together? Did they feel happy, positive, relaxed, etc.? Basically, did they have a good time with you?
Soul Level: How did you make them feel about themselves during your time together? Did you improve their self esteem, life outlook, confidence, etc.? Basically, did you make them feel good about themselves?
In my experience, while they both matter, the Soul Level is far more important than the Experience Level.
When someone leaves your presence not just having had a good time, but feeling better about who they are as a human, you’ve moved them in a deep and meaningful way.
There’s a quote from Maya Angelou that captures this concept beautifully:
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
The Golden Question Is a Spectrum
When you examine the world using the Golden Question, I find that people tend to fall into three main categories:
Neutral (most of the population, most of the time): People who make you feel mostly neutral (neither strongly positive or negative) at the Soul Level when you’re with them.
Givers(~10% of the population, some of the time): People who make you feel amazing at the Soul Level when you’re with them.
Takers(~10% of the population, some of the time): People who make you feel negative at the Soul Level when you’re with them.
Now, here’s the important thing to keep in mind:
The Golden Question isn’t categorizing people as simply “good” or “evil.” It’s more of a spectrum than distinct buckets. We all move between these categories over time depending on the relationship and situation. For example, who I am with my best friend (a Giver, I hope) falls into a different category than who I am with my boss (Neutral).
Most of the time, we fall into the “Neutral” category, which is appropriate given most of our relationships are casual or professional. The deep, soul-level connection of a Giver or Taker wouldn’t make sense in most contexts.
But for our intimate relationships with close friends and family, it’s illuminating to see exactly what Givers and Takers look like.
What Do Givers Look Like?
Let’s paint a picture of what Givers look like. I bet this will remind you of someone in your life, and I bet you feel drawn to that person.
Here are some things a Giver might do when you’re together:
Ask how you’re doing and listen with genuine interest (and without interrupting).
Build up your self confidence with positive compliments.
Keep the conversation spotlight focused on you.
Ask thoughtful questions about you.
Remember important details about your life and what matters to you.
Highlight your big life moments in a way that casts you as the hero.
Dig deeper on your life from a place of genuine caring and interest.
Refrain from injecting their own uninformed or hard-line opinions and judgments.
Offer genuine and insightful advice based on their deep understanding of you and your situation.
Share positive compliments other people have said about you.
Share genuine, heart-felt praise with you.
Here are some things a Giver might say when you’re together:
“So how’s it feel to finally be a mom? Tell me everything!”
“You should totally run for committee president! People are naturally drawn to your calm and confident presence. Honestly, I think they need a leader like you.”
“I’m doing well! Things are pretty boring in our house right now, just getting ready for spring break. But what about you? You just got a big promotion — tell me more about that!”
“So how’s your writing going? I remember you were exploring fiction writing last time we talked. I think you were drafting a story about a teenage arctic explorer, right? How’s that going?”
“I was sorry to hear you and Simon broke up. Now that the dust has settled, how do you feel about everything?”
“Remember when you debated Manny Johnson for senior class president and your speech was so epic you got a five minute standing ovation and Manny conceded on the spot? That’s still one of my all-time favorite high school memories.”
“The new proposal is a really tough situation. I definitely think safety is most important, but I also understand how these rules could disrupt our casual culture. What do you think?”
“You’re facing a really tough choice, and I can totally understand the appeal of both options. I’ve known you for a long time, and it’s always really important to you to do the ‘right thing.’ So maybe you’d feel better if you fessed up to Greg about what happened?”
“Stacy was so impressed with the scarf you knitted me. She wouldn’t stop raving about it and said she’ll pay you literally anything to make her one!”
“Happy birthday man. Just wanted to say how grateful I am to have you as a buddy. You inspire me to work hard every day and never let up.”
When you’re with a Giver, you feel:
Like an important celebrity.
Like the focus is on you.
Like a unique and special person.
Excited and energized.
Genuine, comfortable, and authentic.
Confident and positive about yourself.
Warm and open, which makes you want to treat others in a similar way.
Givers focus the conversation on exploring your unique, special, and fascinating life. They create a comfortable, genuine, and engaging energy that brings down your guard. They act as a mirror that draws meaningful things out of you and reflects them back to you in a favorable light.
The result is that Givers are socially magnetic: You (and others) are drawn to them because they make you feel good about yourself.
This anonymous quote summarizes a Giver’s magnet effect:
A man never likes you so well as when he leaves your company liking himself.
Now, I’m not suggesting anyone acts like a Giver all the time, or should mimic every example above, or never talk about themselves. That would be unnatural. But most of the time, Givers embody this quote from Mary Kay Ash:
Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.” Never forget this message when working with people.
What Do Takers Look Like?
Let’s paint a picture of what Takers look like. I bet this will remind you of someone in your life, and I bet you don’t really like spending time with that person.
Here are some things a Taker might do when you’re together:
Show shallow interest in your life and instead focus the conversation spotlight on themselves and their interests.
Don’t remember or understand important things from your life.
Tell stories that feature them as the hero.
Promote their own point of view on complex or controversial topics.
Use your life updates as a story prompt to boast about their own semi-related experiences and accomplishments.
Ask probing personal questions from a place of disingenuous judgment.
Gossip and overshare the private lives of others to try and impress you with how much they know.
Confidently tell you what you should do in a complex situation that they don’t fully understand.
Imply that you don’t know what you’re doing or are making a foolish mistake in a situation that they don’t fully understand.
Casually declare an oversimplified solution to a complex problem, assuming because it might work for them, it will definitely work for you.
Subtly promote their own agenda.
Frequently remind you of things they’ve done for you.
Here are some things a Taker might say when you’re together:
“I’ve been so busy with this important project at work. I’m the only one keeping it on track. Actually, the Vice President of Marketing pulled me aside yesterday to thank me for cleaning up everyone’s mess.”
“I think it’s all nonsense. Your kids aren’t going to get sick from playing on a fertilized lawn. Think about it — that just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Congratulations on your new job. I used to work as an engineer myself and you really need to be very smart to succeed. You know, I led a big important project once…”
“You’re writing poetry, that’s so interesting. So how will you make money from your poetry?”
“Cindy asked me not to share this, so don’t tell anyone, but she’s struggling to get pregnant.”
“You can’t just start a company by yourself. You need to have a mentor to guide you.”
“Do you know how to install a new light in the bathroom? Because you can’t just screw some holes in the wall and turn it on.”
“I believe you just have to focus on the positive and then everything will be alright.”
“How are you liking the blender I got you for Christmas? How often do you use it? Do you keep it on the counter?”
“Can you believe the new rules the school board passed? It’s really disgusting. Don’t you agree? You should say something to the head of the committee.”
When you’re with a Taker, you feel:
Emotionally drained.
Sour and negative.
Like a captive audience during a monologue.
Bad about yourself.
Subtly judged and criticized.
Inauthentic, like you’re putting up a front.
Cautious and on the defensive.
Closed off and guarded, which makes you want to be cautious of others.
Takers focus the conversation on promoting their own interests, experiences, accomplishments, attributes, and opinions. They create an uncomfortable and inauthentic energy that puts you on guard. They boost themselves by subtly painting themselves in a positive light and you in a negative light.
The result is that Takers are socially repellent: You (and others) avoid them because they make you feel bad about yourself.
Now, no one manifests all these behaviors all the time. And, to be clear, Takers aren’t necessarily mean or evil people. It’s just that you often leave their presence feeling worse about yourself and your life.
Who wants to be around someone like that?
10 Life Lessons on the Golden Question
Since I heard the wise maid of honor give her toast, I’ve been thinking a lot about where I fall on the Golden Question.
The thought I’ve wrestled with most is, “When I spend time with the people I love, do they walk away feeling better about themselves?”
Honestly, I don’t think the answer is Yes as often as I’d like. And I want to change that.
For your own life, spend some time pondering these 10 insights:
The Golden Question asks: “How do you make someone feel when you’re together?”
The Golden Question isn’t just about fun and positivity (Experience Level), it’s about making someone feel good about who they are as a person (Soul Level).
You may land in different places on the Golden Question spectrum with different people across different situations.
If you make someone feel better about themselves and their life (you act as a Giver), they’ll want to spend more time with you.
If you make someone feel worse about themselves and their life (you act as a Taker), they’ll want to spend less time with you.
If you make a regular practice of being a Giver with people, you’ll never be alone. There will always be people who want to spend time with you.
Make sure to build people up from a genuine and loving place. If it comes across as fake or shallow praise, you’ll appear manipulative and untrustworthy.
We tend to mimic the behavior of people we spend time with, so be thoughtful about how much time you spend with Givers vs. Takers.
Spend more time with the people who make you feel good about yourself. Not only will you leave happier and more confident, but their Giver behavior will rub off on you.
Spend less time with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Not only will you avoid feeling bad about yourself, but their Taker behavior won’t rub off on you.
Take a few minutes to ask yourself these five questions:
Who in your life makes you feel good about who you are? And who makes you feel bad?
How much of your time do you give to the Givers in your life? What about the Takers?
How do you make others feel? Who do you frequently act as a Giver or a Taker for in your life? Are you OK with that?
Is there anyone in your inner circle who acts as a Taker for you, consistently making you feel bad about yourself? Is there a way to spend less time with that person?
Think about the most important people in your life, the people you love and care deeply about: How do you make them feel about themselves when they’re with you?
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