Waiting for Love’s Alignment

If you’re searching for the right one, keep going.

Oct 01, 2020

It took me over 10 years and 100 first dates to find my wife.

The search was a painfully long process. I quickly grew tired of chatting on dating websites and apps, putting on my happy face for an endless string of first dates, and playing the awkward follow-up guessing game.

For me, the hardest part wasn’t the waiting, it was the uncertainty. As I watched the months and years slip away I wondered, What if I never find her? What if I end up alone? If an omniscient voice had gently whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry, you’ll meet her in 10 years,” I wouldn’t have worried. But the only voices I heard were self-doubt and fear.

During one particularly rough stretch, I wondered why it was taking so long to find the right person. I was going on plenty of first dates (two each week), but none of them felt right. Am I being too picky? Am I doing something wrong?

Then, I had a spark of insight…it’s taking so long because I’m waiting for The Alignment.

I grabbed a sheet of paper and jotted down this simple formula for when soulmates meet:

The right person meets the right person, at the right time, in the right place.

It almost seems obvious, but baked into that simple formula there are so many things that have to go right.

Each individual piece of the formula is like a solitary planet revolving around the sun. And it takes a rare, once-in-a-lifetime moment for all five planets to align.

The right person | meets | the right person | at the right time | in the right place.

The Right Person

This is who you’re looking for. Everybody has a uniquely different vision for “Mr. or Mrs. Right” and the more picky you are the fewer people will qualify.

I’m pretty picky. My partner “wish list” was two pages long. So right off the bat I was searching for a tiny sliver of the population.

Meets

You have to actually meet the person before you can have a future together. So at some point you have to be introduced, connect online, bump elbows at a bar, or collide in a book shop.

As a busy introvert, I relied heavily on online dating, so I knew my future partner would have to be on the same dating apps. Even if she lived next door, I never would’ve said hello.

The Right Person

This is you — the “Mr. or Mrs. Right” your future partner is searching for. In order for there to be a match, your partner has to be passionately attracted to the unique package you offer. In other words, you have to align with his or her partner “wish list.”

At the Right Time

You and your future partner both have to be ready for each other. That might mean you’re both single, you’re both the right age, or you’re both finally ready to settle down.

It’s different for every couple. But the point is that even people who are perfect for each other can meet at the wrong time. In my experience, timing matters.

In the Right Place

You both have to be in the same place to have any chance of meeting. If the “meets” part of the alignment is the moment you first connect, then this is what puts you in the same city, neighborhood, street, building, and room.

So imagine the whole formula in action…

Two rare and unique people — who happen to be a perfect fit for each other’s picky “wish list” — are both looking for each other at the same time, in the same place, and they actually meet.

That’s The Alignment.

It’s the incredibly rare moment when it all comes together.

Whether you believe in fate, God, magic, simulations, or nothing, it’s hard to deny the serendipity of such a fleeting harmony.

Finding your moment takes faith, patience, and the wisdom to recognize when it arrives.

And to be honest, I’m not sure everyone gets their moment. I think some people bow out before their alignment comes along. And I understand why. It’s hard to wait.

In 2008, as I was just beginning my long and winding dating journey, I was already ready for it to end. I was coming off a string of crummy first dates and emailed a friend venting my frustration.

She sent me back this advice:

“Try not to get too down on yourself. It’s really hard not to feel bad, or feel like you’re doing something wrong. But honestly, it’s the people that sacrifice, that don’t settle, that keep searching and dreaming, that are successful in the end. It’s true in life, and I believe it’s also true in love. You’ll get there. Perseverance and steady patience.”

Exactly 10 years later, on a hopeful spring day, I stepped into a coffee shop, introduced myself to my future wife, and began my last first date.

I never thought my alignment would take so long. But trust me, it was worth the wait.

One small request: Please forward this to someone who would enjoy it. There’s an open seat by the fire :)

Fireside Philosophy by Todd Lincoln

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